Anger -- Living On The Edge -- Adults And Kids Alike Are Learning New Ways To Chill Out

Teachers at Whitworth Elementary in Seattle knew they had a problem when they noticed youngsters kicking at each other on the playground.

The students were copying the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles they had seen on television and in the movies. But the "drop-kick technique" of settling conflicts came at a price in real life: It hurt, said teacher Bob Evans.

Add Whitworth Elementary to the list of people and places forced to cope with what many experts see as a growing edginess in American life.

School officials took the step that groups and institutions increasingly are taking: They introduced violence prevention and anger management into the curriculum. Their program, Second Step, put together by the Seattle-based Committee for Children, has been adopted by a number of schools here and across the country.

Visitors to Evans' Second Step class might see a model of how kids are learning to control their tempers in ways that might benefit grown-ups as well.

Here are Darryl, Mandela, Rian, Kathy, Rashad and other second- and third-graders studying a blown-up picture of a young boy named Chan. His ball has just been taken away by another boy.

Evans: How is Chan feeling?

Darryl: Kind of mad.

Evans: How can you tell?

Mandela: His forehead. (It's pinched.)

Evans: Is it OK for Chan to be angry at Bill?

Jenny: Yeah.

Evans: What's not OK?

Rian: To hurt someone.

Evans: What could he do?

Kathy: He might grab his arm and say, "I didn't like it when you took the ball from me."

Evans: What if Chan decides to fight? Is that a good solution?

Everyone: Nope.

Evans: Why not?

Mandela: Both could get hurt.

Evans: What could he do to keep from getting angry?

Darryl: Count to 10. Calm himself down.

Rashad: He could say, "3-2-1, 1-2-3, what the heck is bothering me?"

Evans: What could Chan do?

Rico: Ask him to play ball with him. Play ball together.

Ah, the wisdom of children, once they get on track.

Anger-management professionals have advice not so different from that heard in Evans' classroom: Take some deep breaths; take a timeout; figure out if what's bothering you is really that important; think of solutions; if you feel like striking out, hit a pillow, not your spouse or your kids.

CRIMES OF ANGER

From psychologists to religious leaders to police officers on the street, you hear agreement that anger is a natural part of the human makeup. Not being able to control it is the problem. And the toll is lives in jeopardy of going down the drain.

Consider Tasha, a pretty 15-year-old who dreams of becoming a flight attendant. She's serving time in the Echo Glen juvenile facility near Snoqualmie for car break-ins, crimes she attributes to anger.

She's mad at her mother for ignoring her and at society for not putting her mom into counseling. Tasha traces her anger and grief to the death of her father from a brain tumor when she was in second grade. She recalls an incident in the sixth grade. "A girl told me I looked like my dad. I thought she was trying to compliment me. Then she said, `You look like your dad: dead, bony, flaky and ugly.' I beat her up."

Cruel words, yes. But harboring her anger hasn't helped. Counselors at Echo Glen Children's Center are trying to help Tasha and others learn to deal with their emotions.

One way is to find safe spaces, even if it's just going to their own rooms.

DEFUSING DANGEROUS FEELINGS

How can we as a society start getting a grip on our anger? Could it be as simple as the proverbial counting to 10?

Not quite, says Roland Maiuro, director of Harborview Medical Center's anger-management program.

The intent is good, in the sense that people should not respond immediately when they are angry, Maiuro explained. But merely counting doesn't necessarily calm the body.

Deep breathing and relaxation do, however. Those are the techniques Harborview teaches.

"Anger going through the body is physical. So you do something physical to counteract that," said Naty Lamug, a Seattle anger-management counselor.

Ideas about dealing with anger have swung between two extremes over the years, said Maiuro. One is to "let it all hang out." The other is to suppress it. Both have problems. Giving full vent can create conflict and alienate friends and family. Bottling anger can lead to a chronic emotional state that hurts health and results in intermittent blowups.

Anger-management experts say people should ask themselves three questions before they explode:

1. Is this important to me?

2. Is my anger justified?

3. Is there anything I can do about it?

If there's nothing you can do, what's the point of staying angry? If you can take action, be specific and concrete.

Dr. Redford Williams, director of behavioral research at the Duke University Medical Center, and his wife, Virginia, co-authors of "Anger Kills," said people should describe what is bothering them and politely but firmly ask for a solution. Example: "Excuse me, please let me finish what I am saying."

The Williamses also suggest people pretend today is their last day on Earth. Most would not spend it being angry, they say.

Tom Cipolla, co-founder of a support group for formerly abusive men, said that in addition to finding concrete solutions, it's important to be able to walk away from what is angering you. Cipolla's group, Men Working Against Abuse, calls it a timeout.

Taking a few minutes to go for a walk before discussing a problem is not running away from it, the group advises. It is defusing a dangerous or hurtful conflict.

One member of the group said he once got so upset he hurled a bowl of popcorn across the room, scaring the wits out of his wife. He could have said he was upset and gone outside for a breather. "I just didn't know how to do it," he said.

A timeout can start by simply holding your hands in the T symbol used in sports. Men Working Against Abuse recommends timeouts last at least 20 minutes but not longer than 40.

Cipolla and his group also use another technique: self-talk. They talk their anger down. Almost rear-ended trying to merge on Interstate 5? "There must be a special place in hell for the people who designed these freeways!" Or, jokingly, "Must be the same guy who tried to do this to you last week. You want to kill him again?!" Or, "Maybe the person was from out of town and lost. Nothing happened, so why get upset?"

IT STARTS WITH INFANTS

Anger-management programs have their skeptics. Dr. Neil Jacobson, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington, said it's difficult for psychotherapy to end long-standing problems with impulse control. And not everyone who enrolls in anger-management classes wants to change. He added that we're not going to end anger and violence if their causes - such as poverty, racism, sexism and urban decay - remain.

And some anger is so severe it is mind-boggling.

Lamug, who works with Presbyterian Counseling Service, said one of her clients was so angry that if she thought someone was looking at her derogatorily, she would hit the arm of her chair or kick out with her leg. The woman had been physically and sexually abused.

"I am convinced anger is deeply rooted, how a person has been loved and cared for from the beginning of life, from zero to 3 years old. People need to handle infants and children more lovingly and caringly. They can't take their anger out on them," said Lamug.

Leslie Spading, juvenile director of Prisoners for Christ Outreach Ministries, said the youths she works with at the King County Youth Service Center, Echo Glen and other juvenile facilities often can't differentiate between grief, loss and anger.

"A lot of kids in the system start with loss of innocence due to abuse and neglect. They may experience loss of childhood, because they have to caretake for their parents who may have drug and alcohol problems. A lot of kids who have been involved in gangs have had friends who have been killed," she said.

Ron Baltrusis, associate superintendent at Echo Glen, said youngsters may throw up their defenses just because they hear someone talk in the tone of voice they associate with their hurt. "If you have minimal coping skills," he said, "you create a safe zone by being tough."

"VERBAL JUDO"

What if you encounter an angry person on the street?

Walk away if you can, says Bruce Wind, a veteran patrol officer and senior hostage negotiator with the Seattle Police. "You don't

have to put up with it."

But police officers can't always leave. Many have been taught to deflect anger through a technique called "verbal judo."

If someone is speaking agitatedly at him, Wind might say, "I appreciate that," even though he might be thinking, "Get out of my face!"

Also, "It's hard for people to be angry if you call them `sir' or `ma'am,' " Wind said.

And when he parts company with someone, especially if the encounter was bad, he'll say, "Sir, good luck to you, sir," though he takes care not to be patronizing.

Police are not immune from the anger flung at them, said Wind. Officers may vent by hanging around with one another, or they may seek help from a chaplain or counselor.

Wind plays golf. He writes letters -

not all of which he actually sends -

to the people he is mad at. And he and his patrol partner have changed their radio listening habits.

"From a personal standpoint, as much as I am a Rush Limbaugh fan, I quit listening to him. What he was talking about made me so angry. As I was going to work I would tense up. I listen to jazz now. We also started listening to 98.1 (KING-FM) in our patrol car. It is classical music. We found that turning on John Carlson was not the right thing to do. The classical music was soothing."

A LESSON OF PEACE

Schools are also paying more attention to anger.

At Seattle's Rainier Beach High, for example, more than 100 students over the past four years have been trained to be conflict managers in a pioneering program supported by the South Seattle Crime Prevention Council.

Tempers can flare over gossip, name-calling, general disrespect and dirty looks, or what students call "mean mugging," said Hashim Luna, 16, Shaya Fisher, 15, and Raul Garcia, 19, three conflict managers.

Working in pairs, mediators help other students air grievances and work out solutions.

"Don't take everything so serious. Don't blow things out of proportion," advises Shaya, a sophomore. One response Shaya suggests: "Is it worth me getting mad? . . . I am not going to sweat that person."

Hashim, a junior, noted that students at neighboring Cleveland High School have a slogan that goes to the heart of the issue. T-shirts developed by Cleveland security specialist Fia Faletogo and the school's Peace In Effect Council are emblazoned:

"Live In Peace Before You Rest In Peace."

-------------------------------- NEXT TIME YOU'RE REALLY STEAMED, TRY THESE TIPS TO AVOID A BLOWUP --------------------------------

Experts from a variety of disciplines and programs offer these anger-control tips:

1. Recognize your anger. Maybe you feel disappointment, but what's really at work inside you is anger. Conversely, if you seem to feel only anger, ask yourself if there's really another, underlying feeling, such as grief or sadness.

2. Identify the cause. Maybe you snap at a co-worker, but you're really mad at your supervisor.

3. Decide if the issue is really important.

4. Figure out a concrete solution (which could include doing nothing).

5. Take a few deep breaths. Relax. Count to 10, or 100, with the idea of delaying a response. The worst time to act is when you feel you have no choice but to respond. People need to set an alternative time to talk about what is bothering them.

6. Take a timeout. Go for a walk.

7. Talk yourself down from your anger.

8. Use "I" statements to explain how you're being affected, rather than "you" statements that place the other person on the defensive. "This is why I'm mad." Not, "You always do this to me."

9. Write down how you feel, whom you're mad at. Get it out. That doesn't mean you'll send the letter.

10. Sit in your car, roll up the windows and scream.

11. Twist a towel. Imagine the tension flowing from your body to the towel. Grunt, sigh, say "I'm angry" as you do it.

12. Punch a pillow. Do violence to it, rather than holding your anger in and harming yourself.

13. Pretend today is your last day alive. Would you use your final hours to be mad at everyone, or would you spend time with loved ones and enjoy yourself?

14. Seek professional help.

-------------------------------------- QUICK QUESTIONNAIRE CAN HELP YOU GAUGE IF ANGER IS A PROBLEM IN YOUR LIFE --------------------------------------

This questionnaire is among the tests developed to screen patients in the anger-management program at Harborview Medical Center. Score yourself on each question by selecting the most accurate answer from among these:

0 - Extremely unlikely.

1 - Unlikely.

2 - Possible.

3 - Likely.

4 - Very likely.

1. When I really lose my temper, I am capable of hitting or slapping someone.

2. I get mad enough to hit, throw or kick things.

3. I easily lose patience with people.

4. If someone doesn't ask me to do something in the right way, I will avoid doing it, delay doing it, or not do it at all.

5. At times, I feel I get a raw deal out of life.

6. When I get mad, I say threatening or nasty things.

According to Roland Maiuro, director of the Harborview program, people who score as high as 11 or 12 might want to examine the sources of their anger and think about making anger-reducing changes in their lives. Those with even higher scores should consider counseling or a treatment program. Maiuro said women may score higher than men because they are more able to admit their feelings.

-------------------------------- DOES YOUR CHILD OFTEN SEE INSULT IN HARMLESS ACTS? IT CAN BE A CLUE THAT HE NEEDS HELP --------------------------------

Anger-management experts say these signs indicate that a child might have a problem with anger:

1. Seems constantly on edge, irritable and angry. Attempts to resolve the problem provide no relief.

2. Becomes physically aggressive and can't seem to stop aggressive impulses. Acts before he or she thinks. Has difficulty learning from experience. Relies on nonverbal solutions, such as hitting or grabbing.

3. Exhibits punitive or cruel behavior toward pets or animals.

4. Lacks social behavior, such as sharing or waiting one's turn. Has few friends or no lasting friends.

5. Misreads social cues. Interprets other children's behavior as hostile. Thinks, for instance, that because another youngster looks at him, the child has bad thoughts about him.

6. Blames others and does not take responsibility for his or her own role in a conflict.

7. Often argues with adults and defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests.

9. Often deliberately annoys people or is easily annoyed by others.

10. Expresses dislike or belittling attitudes toward members of the opposite sex, simply because they are the opposite sex.

11. Says, "I don't like the way I am feeling," and indicates he or she needs help.

12. You feel overwhelmed, bewildered and unable to cope with your child's behavior.

Sources: Roland Maiuro, Gary Snyder, Susan Hager-Smith and Kathy Beland, anger-management specialists.

---------------------- WHERE TO TURN FOR HELP ----------------------

For more information:

Harborview Medical Center's Anger Management and Domestic Violence Program, Roland Maiuro, director. 325 Ninth Ave., Seattle. 223-3425.

Men Working Against Abuse, 600 First Ave., Suite 428, Seattle. 461-7824.

Gary Snyder, anger-management seminar leader, 15446 Bel-Red Rd. N.E., Suite 430, Redmond. 885-3535.

Overlake Christian Church, which provides anger-management and other counseling, 9051 132nd Ave. N.E., Kirkland. 827-0303.

Presbyterian Counseling Service, 564 N.E. Ravenna Blvd., Seattle. 527-2266.

Committee for Children, developer of the Second Step anger-management and violence-prevention program, 2203 Airport Way S., Suite 500, Seattle. 1-800-634-4449, or in Seattle, 343-1223.

Rainier Beach High School Conflict Managers Program, Rick Harwood, adviser, 8815 Seward Park S., Seattle. 281-6184.

Hands Across the Campus, a diversity, anger-management and conflict-resolution project for high schools in Seattle and Edmonds, as well as in other parts of the country. Sponsored by the American Jewish Committee, Barbara Hurst, regional director, 1414 Joseph Vance Building, Seattle. 622-6315.