How To Fill The Void Of The Empty Nest

The time had finally arrived. Nancy and John Christiansen had waited for it for years - the day the last of their three children would vacate the homestead.

It wasn't that the couple cringed at parenthood; but after having their first child, David, only a year after saying their "I do's," they were looking forward to exploring life as a couple again.

Sounded good in theory, but reality unfolded a bit differently. Nancy found herself crying a lot.

"All our married life we'd waited for this moment," Nancy said. "We hadn't had the romance yet, except sneaking away for a weekend. It was ironic that something that I'd so looked forward to was such an adjustment."

It's that irony that is the root of "empty-nest syndrome," which is the sense of loss of purpose when the children grow up and leave the household.

It can strike any parent, but generally hits more women than men and stay-at-home moms more than working moms.

Because more men are active in the work force than women, they generally have other roles to fall back on when their duties as father are diminished. In general, men who suffer the empty-nest syndrome tend to have fewer children, are somewhat older than average, and see themselves as nurturing people.

But experts say if you've got it, you can take affirmative action to shake off the kids-are-gone blues. The road to recovery is filled with trips, hobbies and long talks with a friend or companion who is a good listener.

Start by refocusing your life.

This is the time to take stock of your skills, interests, and pluses and minuses and go from there. Re-enroll in school, get a job or become a volunteer. And if you're married, there's always that spouse waiting in the wings.

Empty-nest syndrome is one of those conditions that people - particularly men - who don't have it find difficult to understand. But the bottom line to remember is that the empty nester is going through "a sense of feeling a loss of purpose once the children are gone," said Emmy Freeman, an Orlando, Fla. clinical psychologist. "It's a questioning of `What do I do now?' "

Whether you join a support group or exchange war stories with an empathizing friend, working it out with words can be a boon.

Parents who have devoted their lives to their families will likely experience some temporary loss when the nest empties. That sense of sadness may linger a few weeks, but rarely does it blossom into full-fledged clinical depression in women who have not had problems with depression before.

Still, the condition can be especially acute for stay-at-home parents, families who are very close emotionally, and families who will be separated by large distances.

Some helpful tips:

Here are some ways to cope with an empty nest:

-- Change your outlook. Keep an open mind, in terms of your own gifts and talents. Try different things, experiment. Try aerobics, yoga, pottery, etc.

-- Stay positive. Understand that this period is temporary and that you can grow from the experience.

-- Face up to your feelings - join a support group. This helps you realize that others are going through the same transition you are.

-- If you are a stay-at-home parent, never let one role be your whole identity. Join clubs, work a part-time job or do anything that creates a life outside of parenthood.

-- Talk, talk, talk. One of the worst aspects of empty nest syndrome is the feeling that you're the only one who experiences it; everyone around you seems to be doing just fine. That's usually not the case.