Rudolph: On The Next Oprah -- Reindeer Reveals Shady Side To Old Red Nose

"They never let poor Rudolph play in any reindeer games." - from "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."

"The Truth About Rudolph: Oprah Interviews Vixen."

Oprah: "One of Santa's reindeer, Vixen, has alleged Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was not the persecuted creature of legendary song, and that Rudolph's alienation from other eight reindeer was the result of Rudolph's abrasive personality. According to Vixen, `Rudolph did play in reindeer games, and if he didn't, it wasn't because of his red nose, but because he was difficult to play with and would often quit if he didn't get his way. Let's just say the song is a gross misrepresentation of how we treated him.' In response, Rudolph has filed a $2.9 million lawsuit against Vixen for libel, slander, defamation of character and desecrating a legend. It's a big story, and today Vixen has been kind enough to appear on this show. Welcome Vixen."

Vixen: "Thanks."

Oprah: "Vixen, you claimed Rudolph was allowed - even encouraged - to play in reindeer games. Before we go any further, what are reindeer games?"

Vixen: "We enjoy hide 'n' seek, freeze tag, Twister, five-card stud, Scrabble, relay races and crossword puzzles. Actually Mr. Claus requires we play an hour of outdoor games per day to stay in cardiovascular shape. Though in lieu of games, I could fly five to seven miles a day before dinner."

Oprah: "So why didn't Rudolph get to play these games?"

Vixen: "You're not listening. Rudolph played those games. It's just that he was difficult.

"Once we were playing hide 'n' seek, and Rudolph was always caught first due to his red nose, yet he refused to be `it.' Everyone knows when you're caught, you're `it.' Rudolph insisted because of his red nose, he should never be `it.' He said whoever was caught second should be `it.' He said it's biblical, like he who is last is first. I remember saying, `Cover your nose with duct tape, and then no one will see it or you. We'll all be even.' He accused me of being jealous, petty and discriminatory. `You're just another exclusionary, elitist fascist,' he said. `Don't cover your red nose, then,' I said, `but accept the consequences of being highly visible.' "

Oprah: "What about freeze tag? The nose is a non-factor there. How did Rudolph manipulate that situation?"

Vixen: "In the context of the game, you're right, the nose is irrelevant, but Rudolph would use his nose to harass `frozen' players by shining it in their eyes. Once Blitzen had been frozen for 10 minutes, and Rudolph kept parading past him, angling his nose so that the red basically blinded Blitzen.

"Blitzen, who is steadfast to a fault, refused to unfreeze himself and instead asked Dancer to fetch him his sunglasses, which he did. It's just another example of Rudolph irritating another reindeer. He's lucky it was Blitzen. Blitzen is so mellow Santa sometimes thinks he isn't pulling his share of the sled and has considered replacing him this Christmas with Clover."

Oprah: "Who is Clover?"

Vixen: "The 10th reindeer."

Oprah: "There's a 10th reindeer?!!"

Vixen: "There are 20 actually. Santa wanted two teams plus understudies."

Oprah: "Interesting . . . In the paper you called Rudolph `a myth and a one-shot wonder.' What do you mean?"

Vixen: "Thanks to the incessant singing of `Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' - a tune which Rudolph wrote, by the way - the part about Rudolph being ostracized and not getting to play in reindeer games is accepted as fact when it's really a myth, but a hero overcoming adversity sells better. It's a money thing. It's true Rudolph did save Christmas on that foggy eve, but that doesn't give him the right to throw tantrums or cheat at Twister."

Oprah: "How does a reindeer cheat at Twister?"

Vixen: "In Rudolph's case it's quite simple. He blinds players with his nose, making it impossible for them to find the correct colored dots. Poor Cupid saw nothing but red trees and red snow for two days after Rudolph waved his beak in her face."

Oprah: "After all this time, why did you bring this story to light now? Why tarnish a beloved Christmas tale?"

Vixen: "I'm getting old, and I'm tired of the eight of us receiving a bad rap. We are a good team of reindeer. All these impressionable kids naively singing about poor, mistreated Rudolph when if only they knew what a pain he is."

Oprah: "So you don't think your accusation is mean-spirited?"

Vixen: "Not at all. Rudolph did some good. OK! But let's get it straight. We never kept him from playing reindeer games."

Robert D. Balmer lives in Junction City, Ore.