Negotiating Doesn't Work With Petty Tyrants

Q: I'm a small-business person and I recently finished a contract for a client who made the project miserable for everybody. He accused me of kickbacks, lying and incompetence and made ongoing personal attacks. I kept trying to negotiate a win/win solution with him and find a way to satisfy his complaints. My efforts only resulted in more severe and hostile attacks. I know I did a good job for his company and I consider myself an excellent communicator. He is now refusing to pay the final bill. I can't find a way to communicate successfully with him. What can I do?

A: You are dealing with a petty tyrant, and negotiating skills and standard communication techniques won't work. Petty tyrants are interested in getting power over you. They don't care about effectiveness, truth, making a profit or even staying in business. As long as they can maintain total control and power, they see themselves as successful. This can be confusing to those who think business is about making money, providing a service or selling a product.

People approach relationships in two ways - mutual power and power over. If you use a mutual-power model of relationships, it is critical that you learn to recognize people who use a power-over model. Negotiating techniques and typical communication tools do not work with individuals who only want to get power over you.

These petty tyrants are highly intuitive and know how to kick you where it hurts most. They will intensely assault you with insults, blame you, judge you, manipulate you and create situations where you cannot win. If you try to use standard communication techniques, a petty tyrant will take the technique, turn it into a gun and use it to shoot you.

Your suggestion about win/win negotiating would have worked with someone who uses a mutual-power model. A petty tyrant's typical response would be, "Here's a win/win solution, you do it my way and let me walk all over you."

I understand your frustration. Your communication techniques would probably work with another person who wants to share power. You need to know that your fight with this person has nothing to do with the quality of your work, your performance or money. Your petty tyrant just wants to win, and that means making you lose as completely as possible.

You also need to know that petty tyrants are like communication outlaws. Imagine yourself talking to someone at a party when he suddenly slugs you, grabs your purse or wallet and runs out the door. You would be shocked by his socially abnormal and unexpected behavior, and he would probably get away with it. Now imagine that the person managed to convince you it was your fault he robbed you. Petty tyrants act outside the common courtesies of social interaction. They use surprise attacks, blame and threats to get what they want. They play on any area where you feel inadequate or vulnerable. Most people are so intimidated by them that they usually get their way.

Because you are writing to me, I will assume you have decided not to allow your client to turn you into a doormat. You must first know that the way this person treats you is not personal. Such a person pulls these tricks on everyone. Your client literally feeds off your distress and sense of powerlessness. Don't let yourself be drawn into these pointless arguments. Remember, open communication for a petty tyrant is an opportunity to assault you, not an opportunity to resolve the issue. Stop trying to create a positive relationship with this person.

Approach the situation from a purely business perspective. Explore the legal options to reclaim the money owing and talk with your colleagues to establish that your actions with this client were standard within your profession.

You may want to write your client two letters. In your first letter, vent your frustration, anger, hurt and anything you want to say without censorship. Don't send this letter. In the second, just state the facts as professionally and concisely as possible. Send this letter. If you communicate by writing, you can avoid emotional scenes. Try to avoid phone conversations or meetings. Changing tactics and standing your ground with a petty tyrant is always frightening. Give yourself a pat on the back for your courage in confronting this client.

On the bright side, this client has given you a valuable lesson in how to deal with petty tyrants. Next time, give them a chance, and if they start to manipulate you, don't think that trying harder or doing more will help.

Daneen Skube, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist and corporate communication expert based in Bellevue. Readers can write to Skube in care of No. 2845, 1420 N.W. Gilman Blvd., Issaquah, WA 98027-7001. Include a daytime phone number.