We Once Again Dare You To Ask Mr. Language Person

IT'S time now for Mister Language Person, the expert who answers frequently asked questions about grammar and syntax despite having no idea what "syntax" means.

Today's first question comes from Mick Philip of Raleigh, N.C., who writes:

"I recently bought a microphone from the Shure Microphone Co. The brochure says that it is `often called the unsurpassed choice of professional performers,' as in: `Bob, pass me the unsurpassed choice of professional performers.' My question is, should I avoid deodorants that contain alcohol?"

A. Well, you should probably stop DRINKING them.

Q. Speaking of what things are called, I have noticed that when media people refer to the rock musician who changed his name from "Prince" to an unpronounceable symbol, they call him "the artist formerly known as Prince." My question is, what do his friends call him in casual settings? Do they say, "Hey, The Artist Formerly Known As Prince, is there any more bean dip?"

A. No, in casual settings they shorten it, as follows: "Hey, Twit."

Q. Please explain the grammatical difference between "you're" and "your."

A. Certainly. "You're" is a perennial invective that is used in declamative sentences involving property damage.

EXAMPLE: "You're stupid dog ate our wading pool."

Whereas "your" is a disparative rejunction that is used in writing to cable-TV companies.

EXAMPLE: "Your going to fry in hell."

Q. In a game of Hide and Seek, what phrase should the person who is "it" yell to let the other players know that they may safely return to home base?

A. When he was little Mister Language Boy, Mister Language Person yelled, "Ollie Ollie in come free." However, various professional journalists who were asked about this claimed that they yelled, among other things, "Ollie Ollie outs in free," "Ollie Ollie Olsen free," "Ollie Ollie oxen free" and "Red Rover." Ultimately, it will be up to the Supreme Court to decide.

Q. Who is "Ollie"?

A. He is the artist formerly known as "Wayne Newton."

Q. I am writing an operating manual for a nuclear power plant in a major urban area, and I wish to know which is the correct term: "Whoops-a-daisy" or "Whoopsy-daisy."

A. The Association of Associated Atomic Nuclear Plant Engineers recommends: "UH-oh."

Q. According to a transcript published in the Feb. 4, 1994, issue of the Newnan (Ga.) Times Herald (sent in by Will Davis), what exchange took place between a police emergency operator and a man named Bill Eidson, who called 911 when his wife started having sharp abdominal pains?

A. The exchange was as follows:

EIDSON: Uh, ma'am, there is something coming out! There is a baby coming out!

911 OPERATOR: OK, she was pregnant.

Q. Those operators are trained to recognize certain key symptoms.

A. Thank goodness.

Q. Has former Miami Dolphin football player Joe Rose, who is now a sports-talk person on radio station WQAM in Miami, made any good statements on the air?

A. Yes. Speaking about Indianapolis Colts quarterback Jeff George, Joe said: "He's the kind of guy who doesn't like it when anything out of the abnormal happens." Also, referring to baseball star Barry Bonds, Joe asked: "Does he think he walks on water differently than anybody else?"

Q. In the Jan. 30, 1994, issue of the Amsterdam (N.Y.) Sunday Recorder, which was sent in by Erik Schnackenberg, what is the headline on the column called "Green Thumb Journal," which recommends planting small trees around a house as a protective barrier?

A. The headline is: Row of Shrubs Breaks Wind.

Q. That item is in poor taste.

A. Wait until you read the next one.

Q. Did you receive an October 1991, issue of a newsletter published in Maryland for people, mostly women, who have a certain bladder disease, and if so, what is this newsletter called?

A. Yes. It is called "The Bladderette."

Q. Does that issue of "The Bladderette" offer a powerful incentive for attending a future meeting of the Takoma Park Support Group?

A. Yes. It says: "To get in the Holiday spirit, a special door prize will be given to the best Jell-O dessert molded in the shape of a bladder."

Q. Are you making that up?

A. No.

Q. It's a good thing it's not a hemorrhoids support group.

A. Yes.

WRITING TIP FOR NEWSPAPER REPORTERS: To ensure total objectivity, always be sure to present "both sides of the story."

WRONG: "O.J. definitely did it."

RIGHT: "O.J. definitely did it, but we presume he is innocent."

Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald. His column appears Monday on editorial pages of The Times.