Pearl Jam's Vedder Struggles To Deal With Cobain's Death -- Being Spokesman For A Generation Isn't Easy, He Says

It's eight days after the suicide of Kurt Cobain was discovered, and Eddie Vedder's voice still trembles as he tries to put into words his confusion and sadness.

"When I first found out, I was in a hotel room in Washington, D.C., and I just tore the place to shreds," says the lead singer of Pearl Jam, the artist whose impact on a new generation of rock fans has been most often compared to Cobain's.

"Then I just kind of sat in the rubble, which somehow felt right . . . (it felt) like my world at the moment."

Vedder and Cobain were at the forefront of those singer-songwriters whose music reflects the alienation and anger of young people who feel shortchanged by the American Dream.

When Cobain died April 8, Vedder, 29, stood alone.

His only public comment came from the stage of a Pearl Jam concert in Fairfax, Va., the night Cobain's body was found. He told the audience, in part: "Sometimes, whether you like it or not, people elevate you (and) it's real easy to fall . . ."

"People think you are this grand person who has all their (expletive) together because you are able to put your feelings into some songs," he said later.

"They write letters and come to the shows and even to the house, hoping we can fix everything for them. But we can't . . . because we don't have all our (expletive) together either. . . . You can't save somebody from drowning if you're treading water yourself."

When they became famous in the early '90s, Cobain and Vedder worried about what it meant. In a strange twist of emotions, they felt both unworthy of their fame and a bit embarrassed by it.

Vedder, too, acknowledges times when he wondered whether life was worth living.

"When I was around 15 or 16, those kind of thoughts came as often as mealtime, you know," he said. "I felt all alone. . . . I was all alone - except for music.

"Then things got better. I got a job and I looked back on those times and wondered how I could ever have felt that way. I thought about all the music and all the experiences I would have missed if I had acted on those feelings . . ."

Vedder paused.

"But you know," he said tentatively, "there have been times over the last couple of years when those feelings came back . . ."

Pearl Jam was supposed to begin its U.S. summer tour in July. But the dates have been postponed, in part because of the death of Cobain.

Vedder expects to spend much of his time in the coming weeks in his Seattle basement, making music. That's the way he has always been best able to deal with his problems.

"I think that process has already begun," he says finally, a note of resolve in his voice. "Seeing what can happen (to Cobain) makes me realize I've got to work on it . . . to avoid getting swallowed up too."