Erik's Abduction By Aliens Recalls Horror And Terror

My name is "Erik" and I was abducted by aliens. You cannot believe the pain and trauma I've experienced. I vividly remember the first abduction, the loud noises and flashing lights. The horror, the horror.

Thanks to years of helpful regression therapy, I can now tell my story to you, and to major book publishers who can cough up a $1 million advance, not including movie and paperback rights.

If you also pay my airfare and put me up in a nice hotel with pool and 24-hour room service, or at least give my book what amounts to an hour's worth of free publicity, I will gladly appear on local TV and radio talk shows. I guarantee to raise your ratings through the roof.

Unique aliens

Trust me, my abduction stories are A-1 primo stuff. I got aliens like nobody else's.

That bestseller a few years ago, "Communion," about UFO abduction? I laugh at that story. "Barney" has got scarier stuff.

And the current hot book on aliens, "Abduction," the one written by that Harvard shrink, John Mack? Come on! You want truly terrifying aliens, you talk to me, OK?

I remember the first time I was abducted. I was 16. It was late at night and I was on the main drag through town, having borrowed my dad's car, when blinding, piercing lights came through the car. Maybe 10 feet behind, I saw the "mother" ship. It was metallic blue and had spinning red lights on top.

"This doesn't make sense," I thought. "What is this movement of energy and light?"

I heard a loud knocking on my window. I felt in a dreamlike state. The alien was shining something bright into my face.

The first encounter

I was paralyzed with fear, although I did manage to slide that can of Bud under the seat. The alien was wearing what looked like "aviator glasses."

I heard a growl that sounded, as best as I can translate, "Son, you've been drinkin' or somethin'? Any reason you made that U-turn in the middle of the street?"

The next thing I knew, the alien had put a tube into my mouth and was telling me to breathe into it. What kind of weird experiment was this? I heard him mutter some numbers. What did they mean? He was murmuring something about how I "must have taken only a couple sips from that Bud `cause you're not registering anything."

Suddenly I was back in my car. The alien handed me something he referred to as a "ticket" for "an improper turn" and told me to "go home, and I mean right now."

I was in a complete sweat from this encounter. I was too shook up to talk to my parents and went straight to bed. The next morning, my dad asked about the "ticket" he found on the front seat.

"Uhh, aliens did it," I explained. My dad, like many of you reading this story, wasn't willing to explore the evidence of non-human intelligence. I was grounded for a month.

That wasn't the only time I was abducted. With regression therapy that's only cost me $75 an hour for the last 300 hours, I have terrifying memories of being laid out on a contraption very much like a reclining chair. I was in complete fear, gripping some "arm rests."

Terror recalled

I remember a long needle coming closer to my face. I remember an alien wearing a mask injecting some kind of chemical into my face. Then I heard a horrendous whirring noise. Then I felt a shooting pain like somebody had put a cleaver in my head.

In desperation I grabbed the alien's white smock. He, in turn, reached with a "hand" that had skin I had not seen on any human - it looked like a rubber glove - and turned the knob on some kind of apparatus. I heard chemical fumes seep over me.

I drifted off into a dreamlike state, and when I awoke, my tongue, my mouth, felt heavy and numb. I felt something metallic on one of my molars, as if the alien had implanted some kind of device. In an even weirder twist, the alien wouldn't let me leave without getting my Visa card imprint, "just in case your insurance won't cover."

My name is "Erik" and on many occasions I have been abducted by aliens. The horror, the horror.

But thanks to regression therapy, and sharing with you my horrible but highly titillating experiences, I've learned to deal with the trauma of alien abduction.

Also, I just got that first check from my book publisher. Yes, things are getting better all the time.