`I Do,' Again: Etiquette For The Second Time Around

Let's pretend you've given this a lot of thought. You've looked, and you're ready to leap - again.

You're not alone - each year more than 1 million women in the United States remarry. But even though you've done this before, you probably have a thousand questions about wedding etiquette.

Some folks tell you to do whatever you want. Others say there are definite rules to follow. What exactly can you get away with and still have the wedding considered tasteful?

It depends on whom you consult and what you ask.

Size

How lavish can the wedding be the second time around?

As wild as you want, say the experts. But if you decide to pull out all the stops, you can expect to raise some eyebrows.

A lot depends on the first wedding, says wedding consultant Melanie Hanson. If a bride feels as though she didn't get what she wanted the first time, she may want to add those touches she thinks she missed out on. Generally, though, the second wedding is much smaller, and the older the couple, the less extravagant they tend to be, Hanson says. "It's less of a big deal to them."

Most second brides, for example, forgo bridesmaids, Hanson adds, or have only one or two.

In "The Second Wedding Handbook," author Judith Slawson suggests the couple stand in a circle of friends and relatives, eliminating the need for attendants altogether and, therefore, the expense.

The engagement ring

This one seems easy, but it isn't.

Often a setting too much like the first ring the bride-to-be received will bring back unhappy memories - what wedding professionals call the "deja vu blues."

To avoid that problem, some couples opt for a precious or semi-precious stone instead of the traditional diamond. If they do purchase a diamond, says jeweler Rick Grimes, it's usually a larger stone the second time around.

Older couples do like to start fresh, though, and they'll usually choose an unusual setting or a stone with a different cut to set the new ring apart. "They've worked all their lives," Grimes says. "They have money to spend."

Even if you love the ring from your first wedding, don't wear it - even on your right hand, advises Marjabelle Young Stewart in "The New Etiquette Guide to Getting Married Again." Put it away as an heirloom and give it to one of your children when he or she is old enough to appreciate what it means.

Talking to the kids

Telling your children about your decision to remarry will probably be the most stressful part of the preparation process. No matter what age they are - very young, teenage or adult - children often experience a wave of strong feelings when Mom or Dad takes the plunge.

But there are things you can do to make it easier, says Carolyn Katchmar, a marriage and family counselor who was widowed and has since remarried. "Hopefully, there's been a relationship before the decision to marry was made," she says. "So it's like a family was starting anyway."

Katchmar suggests talking with each child individually about plans to remarry so that he or she feels free to express any concerns or anger. Often, she says, children feel that if they give their approval to a new spouse, they are betraying the old. Moms and dads can help by reassuring them that they aren't expected to give up their love for their other parent.

Katchmar also advises the future stepparent to let the natural parent handle any major conflicts. "Share your feelings, but then step back," she says.

And natural parents need to allow the new relationship a chance to develop. Don't intervene too quickly, and when you do, deal with the arguing parties at separate times, she says. Whatever you do, keep the lines of communication open, Katchmar stresses. "It's not just your marriage - it's a union."

Announcements, invitations

Though some etiquette books advise the second-time bride and groom to forgo wedding announcements, many still use it as a convenient way to let far-away friends know of their plans.

"People like to know you're married, and that's the whole purpose behind it," says George Buonocore, who handles the ordering of announcements and invitations at The Paper Merchant, a stationery store.

Manners for the '90s differ greatly from the traditional social etiquette, he says. There's no real difference in announcements and invitations for a second wedding other than the wording, according to Buonocore. Most remarrying couples are older and more independent, so they leave their parents' names off the second time around, and many omit the courtesy titles of "Mr. and Mrs." before their names.

If a woman uses one name for business and another socially, the name used socially is the appropriate one to use on the invitations. If you're having thank-you notes printed at the same time, the woman should decide what her new last name will be - it's a good way to let friends and relatives know what they should call her from then on. And if business associates will be confused by the name change, you may want to have new business cards printed up and mailed out as soon as possible after the wedding.

Whatever invitations you choose should go along with the rest of the wedding: formal invitations for a formal affair, informal for a more casual setting. Very casual, small weddings don't require printed invitations; telephone calls or hand-written notes are acceptable, according to "Emily Post on Second Weddings."

Who pays for what?

Sorry, but parents don't pay for the second wedding - the couple is expected to split the cost. The exception is if it's the bride's first wedding, especially if she's been living at home. If parents insist on paying for something, definite limits should be set, Slawson suggests. Instead of saying they'll pay for the honeymoon, let them pay for the airline tickets, for example.

Each person needs to determine his or her priorities when it comes to how much will be spent and on what. Make a list, compare and be ready to compromise. If one future spouse makes substantially more than the other, that person should foot more than half of the bill. Unless, however, one is insisting on an extravagant affair and the other doesn't care. Then it's up to the one with the big plans to pay more.

Slawson also advises setting up a joint checking account for wedding expenses - and using that to determine if you should combine your accounts after the wedding. If you don't want to pay for a pricey dinner on top of the other wedding expenses, you may want to combine forces to cook and serve the rehearsal dinner at your new place. And it may set a good precedent for married life.

Bridal showers

Although at least one etiquette book firmly states that there should be no bridal showers (Stewart's "The New Etiquette Guide to Getting Married Again"), most bridal consultants offer more tips than tsks.

Because second-time brides usually have most of the household items they want or need, they may want to pass on a shower, and they should advise their friends of that. Neither the bride's nor the groom's children should give a shower.

But if you opt for a shower and there are particular items you'd like, let you hostess know. Theme showers are an excellent way to eliminate getting something you already have, suggests Slawson.

Let the hostess know what colors will be in your new home so guests can buy linens. Or go for a more personal approach and fill your hope chest with brand new nighties and negligees. Do not, however, expect gifts from friends who attended a shower for your first wedding. According to etiquette rules, they're not obligated to contribute again.

What to wear

The answer to this question has, of course, changed drastically with time. While it was once considered hypocritical to wear white for a second wedding (the color was supposed to symbolize virginity), this is no longer true. Repeat brides who never got the gown they wanted often use this as their second chance, while some simply think they look ravishing in white. Most, however, still choose ivory or shell pink, says Hanson.

"It's OK to wear white-white," she adds. "But it's in better taste to wear off-white."

If you do choose white, a splash of color can make it more unique, either in the bouquet or with a shawl, a sash or a purse. A pillbox hat with a veil is appropriate, but a full-blown, over-the-face veil is a no-no, says Hanson: A blusher veil is still considered a symbol of virginity.

Trains should also be avoided, though full-length gowns are popular. Most full-length dresses are simpler, avoiding the traditional high-necked, all-lace, long-sleeved first-time-bride look. "But they still look like a wedding dress. You wouldn't wear it anywhere else," says Hanson.

Once again, what you choose should go with the rest of the wedding. A short or tea-length dress is better for a more casual setting.

Elegant suits also are popular with brides and their bridesmaids. "They are usually older and they don't want the frilly, frou-frou dresses," says Hanson. And many traditional wedding dresses simply don't flatter older bodies.

The groom's and attendants' clothing should fit with the bride's. If there are only one or two attendants, the bride may let them wear something they already have or choose a dress they feel they'll be able to wear for another occasion.

Whom to invite

Chances are, you no longer have to invite all of your parents' friends and business associates to your wedding. But you may have more friends and business associates of your own, so the first thing to do is decide which of those you simply won't be able to include.

Some couples opt to have a very small wedding and a large reception, or even a separate reception for business associates. Or a wedding reception can be combined with an open house at your new home.

Another sticky problem is how to handle your former in-laws. Don't assume they'll want to come to your wedding, even if you want them, warns Stewart. They'll probably assume they won't be invited, so it's not even necessary to bring it up. The bottom line: If it's going to make your future spouse uncomfortable, don't do it.

Speaking of exes . . .

Sometimes ex-spouses can have as much influence on a wedding as future spouses. To avoid that happening, think ahead. If you're worried that one of your exes may show up uninvited to the wedding or reception, warn the ushers and hotel or club manager to keep a watchful eye. If a disgruntled ex appears, have someone call the police or building security before things get loud and out of hand.

Another way to avoid trouble is to keep the date of the wedding secret from anyone who might tell your ex. If your children will be coming, schedule the wedding for a weekend when they're scheduled to be with you, but don't tell them the date.

The ceremony

Like everything else that has to do with a second wedding, the ceremony can be much more informal and untraditional. This is a good place to involve your children, as either bridal attendants, ushers, flower girls or ring-bearers. Some parents turn a child loose with a camera to take candid photos. Others have their children write poems and read them.

Often, the biggest question that comes up for the wedding ceremony is who will give away the bride. Perhaps her father has passed away, or she feels too independent (or old) to have Dad give her hand. There are several solutions to the problem. A close relative can handle the duties, or a favorite boss or mentor. Or she can simply walk down the aisle alone.

Another popular choice is to have the oldest son, or even all of the children, answer "yes" when the minister asks, "Who gives this woman?" Or you can have the question reworded to something like, "Who supports this union?"

After the ceremony, couples may want to avoid the customary receiving line. The decision may be as welcomed by guests as the wedding party - often they'll only know one of spouses and none of the other family members or friends. Slawson's book suggests the couple simply wait for the reception and then "do" the room.

The reception

Wedding receptions are basically the same whether you've been married one time or 100, but you can do a few things to personalize yours. One idea is to develop a theme based on what you both like to do or how you met. If you first spotted him strutting his stuff during the "Boot Scootin' Boogie," make it a country-western theme. If you both love the tropics, serve poi and play hula music.

Once again, to involve the children, you may want to let them help you and your new spouse cut the wedding cake or dance the first dance with their respective parent. Older children may be encouraged to offer a toast to their new mom or dad - but all involved should be warned they're not to mention the fact that this is the second time around for one or both of the newlyweds.

The honeymoon

There are only two rules for second marriage honeymoons:

1. Never go back to the place you went with your first spouse. Not only will it bring back melancholy memories, but it's bound to anger your new partner.

2. If you don't want to run into a bunch of younger, first-time marrieds, you may want to stay away from traditional honeymoon locales.

Gifts

Second-time brides may feel funny about registering for gifts at local department stores, but because they already have most of the necessities, it's helpful to their friends to know what they'd like. Monogrammed linens are a good gift, unless the bride is keeping her last name. If you're both moving from apartments to a house, you'll need plenty of new tools and accessories. Consider registering at a hardware store.

Another good idea to pass on to friends who don't know what to buy is exercise equipment or tickets to a sporting event or symphony performance.

Prepare for the worst

All of the experts agree that the only important rule to follow when planning a second wedding is to have fun and know when to compromise. If you suspect someone might frown on your breaking with tradition (for example, Aunt Minnie will faint when she sees the bride in a red dress) it's a good idea to warn that person in advance of your plans. That way it's up to your guests whether they want to attend or not.

Either way, you'll be having too much fun to notice.