No More Big Bear Hugs? Precautions Go Overboard To Guard Against Child Abuse

A 5-year-old swinging on playground monkey bars tumbles. She bursts into tears, and a child-care worker rushes to comfort her.

But tempted as that worker might be to pick up and fully embrace the crying child, the rules at some child-care centers these days say all the worker can do is wrap one arm around the child from the side. The one-arm hug.

Everyone's interested in protecting children from abuse. But can these protections go too far?

Absolutely.

Day-care centers and schools are on high alert because of a number of gruesome child-abuse cases. There is enough legitimate abuse to make people wary, and enough false accusations to give people who run these places the 24-hour jitters.

Teachers or counselors at child-care centers operated by the YMCA of Greater Seattle are taught that when they initiate a hug, it should be the one-arm variety. No rubbing a child's arm. No kissing. If a school-age child tries to sit on a teacher's lap, the teacher is expected to gradually move the child away.

A few centers have gone a frightening step further, installing video cameras in all classrooms. Yes, this is the same equipment used to catch bank robbers. Ostensibly, the cameras are there for parents to observe things their children do during the day. Many enjoy watching the video version of their child's day.

But don't kid yourself. Big Brother is also there to monitor employees' behavior and lower the chance of any suggestion of abuse.

In Colleen O'Rourke Mowery's day-care centers in Des Moines, Kent and Seattle, if the cameras catch a teacher doing something like initiating a full-frontal hug, Mowery will take the teacher aside and recite the rules.

"In the 1990s, it is not socially acceptable to give full-body contact hugs," Mowery said. "We are not allowed to hug school-age children at all. If they come up and give me a hug, I will pat them on the back and move away."

So to keep a few creeps at bay, hugs are out for the '90s?

In response to a recent article by Times reporter Marsha King headlined, "A Right and Wrong Way to Hug Kids," a parent wrote a passionate letter to the newspaper bemoaning the trend toward "sanitized touching."

"What children care about, and what adults should be free to have as their main concern, is that touch is essential to children's emotional health and indeed to their survival," wrote Cynthia Vautier. "I'm not talking about the wimpiness of slapping hands, I'm talking full-frontal hugs."

Some of this is just common sense. Sure, let children initiate touch. Let each child decide how much touch they're comfortable with. But many kids literally crave hugs during the day.

Vautier's 9-year-old son maintains a close relationship with his kindergarten teacher. Sometimes, he runs up and gives his beloved former teacher a hug. "It would hurt him terribly if she stiffened up and disengaged herself," she said.

My 4-year-old son benefited tremendously from the warmth of a day-care teacher who made a fuss over him and greeted him enthusiastically each day with a big bear hug. Frankly, I don't think I would have ever been able to leave the building without this man's exuberance.

Yes, the teacher is a man. There is a high degree of sexism surrounding this issue. Because convicted abusers are predominantly male, men must take extra steps to protect themselves. The tragedy would be if the current overreaction to abuse forced these guys out of the business.

A colleague of mine, the father of an adolescent girl, says the new self-consciousness saddens him when he interacts with one of his daughter's friends: "I put my arm around her and think to myself, `Has she been taught that's not OK?' I just feel like we have lost something."

We have. The question is: Do we gain something that is worth it? Some experts say yes, if we save one child from abuse. But the precautions mentioned above won't prevent abuse. They prevent the appearance of it.

"If somebody is going to touch a child inappropriately, they are going to find a way to do it regardless of the rules," says Cathryn Booth, developmental psychologist at the University of Washington.

And the precautions have another downside.

"For a child who expects physical comforting from a caring adult that includes a full hug, to get something less than that may be less comforting and make them feel less secure that the teacher or caregiver is really there for them," Booth said.

The new precautions go way overboard. To protect a significant but small group of people, we are punishing a much larger group by awkwardly trying to choreograph the most natural human expressions.

Please, let's chill the hysteria. Joni Balter's column appears Sunday and Thursdays in the Local News section of The Times. Her voice-mail number is 464-3279.