Virtual Vows -- We Won't Actually Be Present At The Merger Of Bill And Melinda, But This Is The Computer Age, And ...

DATELINE: VIRTUAL LANAI (As in: We're virtually there. As in: We did this all by phone, crude precursor to the computer-generated pseudo-world of virtual reality).

It is one day and counting until the merger of the chairman and the marketing manager of Microsoft (Bill Gates and Melinda French).

The weather is usual Hawaii lovely (we think), flowers in bloom (we can virtually smell them, can't you?), birds singing (are there birds on Lanai?). We don't know for sure, but we can guess. We weren't invited. And, obviously, neither were you if you're reading this in Seattle.

But we know the island is agog over the marriage of one of the country's richest couples. How do we know? We told you: We rang.

Well . . . it's whisper, whisper, nudge, nudge time on the tiny island, where virtually no one is unaware of the made-in-Microsoft match.

"Who's Bill Gates?" Hmmmm. Well, everybody but the manager of Richard's Shopping Center seems to know something.

Lt. Greg Paresa, the top cop on Lanai (he is Lanai district commander of the Maui County police), said he has been notified of the wedding by hotel security but not asked for any help.

"It's different on Lanai," he said. "We have maybe 2,500, 2,700 people. You know that show, Andy of Mayberry? That's us."

Oh, and here's something for the white-glove and pill-box-hat set: The bride will be wearing a dress of white silk-faced organza imported from Italy, designed by Victoria Glenn, of Victoria's Bridal on Queen Anne. With the bride's direction. With a total of only about 10 pearls on the dress, and practically no lace or beading, it has a neckline that rests just along the shoulder line, a fitted bodice, a straight skirt, and an overskirt. The train measures somewhere between chapel and cathedral length, falling about 75 inches from the . . . Enough. Call it simple and elegant. Back to our favorite topic: rumors.

"We're a pretty small place, so rumors really fly," said Kim Dupree at the Blue Ginger Cafe, a local hangout that "has nothing to do with the wedding except for people talking."

And talk they do: Word is that the ceremony will take place on a bridge near the 17th hole of a newly finished golf course. The bridge spans a chasm and overlooks a cliff with an astounding ocean view. "My stomach feels like it's going to fall out when I stand up there," Dupree said.

Mind you, the golf course was just finished and supposedly contained a construction clause that work had to be done in time for the Gates event.

Lanai is known for its celebrity hospitality: Richard Gere and David Bowie are among the entertainment figures inhabiting the island. But "we don't get too many people with this kind of money," said Susan Hunter at the Dreams Come True bed-and-breakfast, which is hosting virtually no one associated with the event. They're still dreaming.

An employee for Aloha Islandair, one of the two commuter airlines that serve the island, said there were more people flying to the island, but he wasn't sure whether that was because of the wedding or the holidays. "We're always busy this time of year," he said.

Others were less coy.

"Some people say there will be fireworks at the hotel," said Desiree Pagay, a receptionist/secretary for Lanai Resort Partners.

"I've heard that a helicopter pad's being put in somewhere," said Ravi Shivaraman, a controller for Dollar Rent A Car.

"I know a couple of landscapers and they're really busy," said a local restaurant worker. "So many rumors. Half of them I don't believe; the other half I don't know whether to believe."

One woman said that although the islanders may be gossiping about the event among themselves, they're tight-lipped to outsiders. "We live on tourism here," she said. "We don't badmouth our guests until after they leave."

So how much is this little luau costing?

Gates reportedly dropped more than $1 million on the Manele Bay Hotel, where rooms start at $195 and segue to $1,000-a-night suites. Then there are the parties aboard Paul Allen's awesome yacht and a three-masted island schooner rented for the wedding. And catering. And flowers. And transportation.

Excuse us, we need to get to the airport.