A Giant Sucking Sound Of Money Going Somewhere

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Youbeturbucks, a fun new game of life. Any number of you can pay, I mean play. And I promise you will be richer than your wilde$t dream$.

Now here's the deal.

Our first offer is almost too wonderful to share with 504,458 people. But what the heck, you're all readers.

The Estate of Agnes Winston, millionaire and benefactor of Hialeah, Fla., will send you absolutely free a brand-new Cadillac Fleetwood or cash.

You have ignored previous announcements about this wonderful offer, so this is absolutely the last and final attempt that will be made to contact you.

Remember, you must submit your claim immediately or you will receive nothing.

According to the terms stipulated by Winston's estate, you must complete a claim form and return it within 48 hours!

To receive this splendid vehicle you must state that you:

-- Have not received an automobile or cash exceeding $37,000 from Winston's estate.

-- Agree never to drive the Cadillac without fastening your seatbelt.

-- Must never attempt to remove factory-installed anti-pollution devices.

-- Must enclose a $50 optional check or money order with your claim.

WARNING! If you do not enclose $50, your claim form will be void.

There's more . . .

Now let's get down to just dirty old money. Forget those expensive driving machines.

If you want your checking account flooded with depo$it$, send $27.90 to Lawrence Tabak Co., in Casselberry, Fla., for a 30-day risk-free trial of "How to Fatten Your Wallet in No Time Flat" ($14.95); "Genius Opportunities Report" (free); "15 Traits of a Millionaire ($7.95), and $5 for shipping and handling.

Lawrence Tabak, who describes himself as "one desperate vacuum salesman," says you, too, can earn $20,000 to $30,000 a month. Yes, that's in just one month through his money-making program.

I'm having a little difficulty checking Tabak's credentials with the folks in his testimonial advertising. They have names like "Paul Y." of Wenatchee, "George and Bev" of Manhattan Beach, Calif., and "Rich C." of El Paso, Texas.

And when I tried to phone Tabak I was told he would be out of town on business for awhile.

Or consider this . . .

If those offers are too commercially oriented for you, consider this next one.

Mother Catherine, astrologer and psychic of Geneva, Switzerland, has had a terrible uneasiness about you lately. (Yes, you.)

"You are in deep financial trouble and are so depressed it is affecting your health. You are worried about your loved ones and what the future has in store for you.

"You have placed your faith in many people who have done nothing but let you down. At this point you are in desperate need of help.

"I have been asked to act as a messenger. Consider me your Guardian Angel. Yes, we do exist. I ask you at this time to stop placing your faith in false prophets who promise fame and fortune and deliver nothing. You know exactly what I mean. You have been fooled many times before, haven't you? I see many letters have been written to you promising many things but for the most part you haven't received anything. At least you have kept your faith in God and that's the reason for this letter."

Mother Catherine says she knows you are in financial distress, but if you send her an offering directed to the American Christian Psychic Fund, say $20, $25, $30, $50 or "other," you will receive six prayers and be told the number of times each prayer was said on your behalf.

Lest you believe Mother Catherine is in this for the money, she adds: "I ask nothing for myself. I have everything I would ever want."

If you have no spare cash, Mother Catherine would be pleased to accept MasterCard or Visa.

Right.

Focus on: Consumers, including Shelby Gilje's Troubleshooter column, appears every Sunday in the Scene section. Gilje's column also appears Wednesday in The Times. Do you have a consumer problem? Write to Times Troubleshooter, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. Include appropriate documents. Phone 464-2262, FAX 382-8873.

------------ CASES CLOSED ------------

L.V., North King County: Boy, are you lucky! The Municipal Court of Seattle has reduced your traffic tickets, penalties and collection fees from $2,027.96 to $248 - if you pay by Nov. 30.

S.G.S., Yelm, Thurston County: Jim Wiley, executive director of the King County Housing Authority, has sent you information.

M.J.H., Ballard: Newport News, formerly Avon Fashions of Hampton, Va., is refunding you $66.93 for the swimsuits that never arrived and the $20 you spent in long-distance phone calls to straighten out your account. Amazing!

W.M., Magnolia: Seafirst Bank has credited your account for the $611 Social Security check that was overlooked.