Mind You Manners -- How To Tell A Ball Hog To Let Someone Else Play

DEAR MS. DEMEANOR: My friend and I are on the same basketball team, and she's a real ball hog. She's the best player we have, but she never passes the ball off even though somebody else has a better shot. We've lost the last two games. How do I tell her without hurting her feelings or making her feel like I'm just jealous? - Katie, 12, San Gabriel Valley, Calif.

DEAR KATIE: Even the most famous athletes of our time are the first to admit that they need the team to be successful - just look at Michael Jordan.

Let's examine the key characteristics of a winning team. The team's goal is to win the game. To do that, all team members must be in accord.

They don't necessarily have to agree on everything, but when the action starts, they have to work and move as one unit toward a common goal. In your team's case, it should mean recognizing that whoever has the best shot should have the ball. True team players support each other, another essential ingredient in winning and being successful. That means that each player recognizes the strengths and weaknesses of the individual and gives help - and asks for it - when needed. So the fastest dribbler might take the ball down the court, but the outside shooter would take the long shot.

And finally - and this is often the toughest for us to do - team players must trust one another. You have to trust that each player will play to the best ability possible.

We aren't necessarily born team players. Most of us have to learn those lessons over time, and often the hard way - by losing out on something important. So keep in mind that your friend probably sees the situation differently from you.

She probably is just charging in, doing what she thinks is the best way to get the job done. She might even feel like the recent losses are entirely her fault. So try getting her alone sometime and being honest. Let her know that you recognize how talented she is, and that sometimes you feel like you don't get a chance to contribute. Tell her that everybody on the team is capable of doing something to help win, and that if she'd back off a bit, she might be able to concentrate on her strengths and let some of the others contribute where she's less strong. That way everybody gets to share in the results. Your friend might not change her behavior, but you will have given her something to think about, and that's a great gift.

DEAR MS. DEMEANOR: What do you do if you're given a food you've never had before and you take a big bite and it is too gross to swallow? - Kurt Eisenhuth, 10, Southampton, N.J.

DEAR KURT: Calm yourself as best you can, and try - really try - to swallow. Chances are it won't be fatal. If you absolutely cannot do this, then quietly, without making a fuss, bring your napkin to your mouth and expel the food there. Then just go on with the meal as if nothing happened. Do not rush from the table with your hands clutching your throat, red in the face. And above all, do not describe in detail the effect the offending food had on you. The best thing to do is to make sure you don't put yourself in that situation, something you've learned. I'll bet you're more cautious from now on.

Mary Mitchell is president of Uncommon Courtesies, a Philadelphia firm that teaches etiquette, international protocol and effective communication. You can write to her at Box 40008, Philadelphia, PA 19106.