It's Exciting To Receive So Many Slender Similes

After the count passed 4,500, we kind of lost track. The thing got out of hand.

By "thing" I mean the Great Simile Contest of 1993. The idea was to submit similes for "slender" and "exciting." To my delight, readers rose to the challenge like tropical fish at feeding time. Across the nation a hundred school teachers spurred their charges on. It was a glorious affray.

By my final, more or less accurate count, 5,019 readers took part. Almost everyone had a go at both "slender" and "exciting," and most contestants submitted four or five similes in each division. One gentlewoman in San Antonio sent in 172 entries. My guess is that I looked at 20,000 similes, all told, and if I never again see "as slender as a blade of grass," that will be too soon.

Let me end the awful suspense. The winner in the "slender" contest is Auburna R. Bonnell of Mount Pleasant, Mich. She submitted 71 entries, among them a young woman "as slender as Cinderella's ankle." The simile struck the judges as just about perfect. It evoked a familiar image; it had a nice echo effect in "slender" and "Cinder," and it was packed as tightly as the meat in a coconut.

These were the Honorable Mentions:

-- Eve Martins, Youngstown, N.Y., for a youth "as slender as a kayak on a river of scows."

-- Sean Thomas, Tucson, Ariz., for an image of impatient school children, waiting in line "like a row of slender saplings on a windy day."

-- Howard Olson, Tryon, N.C., "as slender as a well rope."

-- Mary L. Lee, Seattle, "as slender as the cusp of a crescent moon."

-- Donna Herndon, Kannapolis, N.C., for the envious image of a woman "as slender as your husband's old girlfriend."

Judging the "slender" entries was relatively easy. Judging the "exciting" entries was tougher. At least a thousand contestants tried "as exciting as the first kiss." Another thousand opted for "as exciting as a baby's first step." Yet another thousand sought inspiration in sports: as exciting as a goal-line fumble, hole in one, grand slam in the ninth, and a 5-pound fish on a 2-ounce line. These we set aside.

Roughly half the entries in each contest were Similes Sarcastic, as distinguished from Similes Straight. One of the runners-up for "slender" was "as slender as Roseanne Arnold in a string bikini." Arnold figured in several hundred such slanderous comparisons. Sumo wrestlers also were big.

AND THE WINNER IS:

The winning entry in the "exciting" division came from Dorothy Cole of Charlotte, N.C. She found something "as exciting as a poached egg." At one time or another, I suppose, almost everyone has looked at a poached egg. Kind of grabs you, doesn't it?

These were the Honorable Mentions:

-- From Gryffyd Dempsey of Portland, Ore., "as exciting as an island on the horizon."

-- From Margaret G. Black of Worthington, Ohio, "as exciting as 20 minutes on a stationary bike."

-- From William J. Barney of Orchard Park, N.Y., "as exciting as a race between the tortoise and ANOTHER tortoise."

-- From Rosanne Hudson of Portland, Ore., "as exciting as a big truck to a small boy."

-- From Jameson Todd of Biloxi, Miss., "as exciting as the first time she whispered, `Unhook my bra.' "

-- From an unidentified seventh-grader in the St. Lorenz Lutheran School, Frankenmuth, Mich., "as exciting as reading the side of a cereal box."

The winners in each competition will receive checks for $50 each. The Honorable Mentions will receive fame, glory, and everlasting international renown. Who could ask for anything more?

Permit me a simile for "exciting" - as exciting as the student entries in this contest. They poured in by the hundreds, from 114 schools in 21 states. Many of the teachers wrote to the same effect: Youngsters enjoy a contest - any kind of contest - and a simile-writing contest had more appeal than just plain ordinary writing.

DIVISIONS NEEDED

Many of the participating youngsters submitted entries that were just short of the Honorable Mention level. It occurs to me that if we have a Great Simile Contest of 1994, there ought to be separate divisions for elementary, middle and high schools. It's something to think about.

On that note, let me say thanks to the 5,019 contestants, and to the newspapers that forwarded their entries. Writing can be very hard work. It also can be good fun.

(Copyright 1993, Universal Press Syndicate) The Writer's Art by James J. Kilpatrick appears Sunday in the Scene section. Address comments or questions to: Writer's Art, c/o Newsroom, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.