There's A Message Here -- Clever Readerboards, Both Blunt And Subtle, Compete For Our Attention

The phone rings at Limback Lumber in Ballard. It's the boss calling from Arizona. He's not asking about profits. He doesn't care about spotted owls and their latest effect on lumber prices. Not today.

He wants to know: "What's on the readerboard sign?"

"Nothing."

"Well, get something up."

It's a funny thing about readerboard signs.

Tell passing drivers there's 25 PERCENT OFF and most won't interrupt their daydreaming long enough for it to register.

Tell them "WE DON'T SUPPLY LUMBER FOR MARINER BATS" and they'll crane and they'll ponder, and the next time they need a two-by-four they'll cast their minds back to that lumber store with the clever sign.

In this age of satellite communication, and at a time when many people are so politically sensitive they're afraid to say anything, the readerboard is a throwback to the "Mabel, get me Doc Brown on the line" era of crackerbarrel opinion.

Messages are blunt, cornball or heavy on contemplation. They're a link with the soft human center of the big brick building.

Richard Dix of D.A. Burns & Sons is always on the lookout for lighthearted philosophical sayings in his reading. They're so popular that people stop in at this long-established carpet- and upholstery-cleaning business to complain if there's nothing on the sign.

"IF YOU DON'T STAND FOR SOMETHING, YOU'LL FALL FOR ANYTHING."

"WHEN YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE WIND, ADJUST YOUR SAIL."

Fiscal benefit is indirect, but Dix hopes people waiting at the stop light outside the building are gently reminded of the need for individual responsibility.

"It enhances our image," said Dix. "It shows people this is a company that is capable of thinking. Maybe they treat people the way people like to be treated."

Says Bruce Gill, who advertises "prison-quality meat" on the window of the Armadillo Barbecue in Woodinville:

"It's not so much advertising as it is to make people take notice and to entertain the public."

Often it's a nudge to get people to think. Thus the North Seattle church that advertises, "Spiritual healing provided free by Jesus," or the Renton church that announces "karaoke, every Sunday, 9:30 to 11 a.m. Sundays," really means "wake up."

Ron Wilson at Holm Roofing Co., on 70th and Roosevelt Way Northeast, has a faded, torn little joke book that came with his readerboard when the original owners moved to their new location in 1946.

It doesn't have many racist jokes, but it's filled with sexist comments and old-fashioned generalities.

"A RIGID ECONOMY IS A DEAD SCOTSMAN."

"MARRIAGE BROADENS A MAN, IT ALSO FLATTENS HIM."

"As if it's all one-sided," said Wilson.

Wilson won't touch the book now, but it was his source in 1974 when he first came to work for the Holm brothers, who eventually sold him the business.

The thousands of people who drive by each day usually are greeted with positive, cute sayings.

"WORRY IS A MISUSE OF IMAGINATION."

But on occasion Wilson, a Vietnam veteran, gets political.

He made national news during the Gulf War in 1992 when he set the plastic letters to read:

"WAR ABSOLUTELY NO."

On the other side:

"WE WILL NOT SACRIFICE OUR KIDS TO CORRECT POLICY BLUNDERS."

Wilson, a strong family man, doesn't want his children or other people's children to have to repeat his experiences in Vietnam.

That was the impetus behind his latest sign, which reads "VIETNAM AND SOMALIA" on one side and on the other:

"SAME SPEECHES. SAME REASONS. SAME MOTIVES. SAME OUTCOME."

So far, he's had only positive response, as he did for his Gulf War message. He hopes his signs prompt people to voice their own views and to vote.

Oddly enough, making bold statements on readerboards is one way to demonstrate a sound business.

The risk of offending

It's almost impossible not to offend people today, so any stated opinion runs that risk. As a general rule, only small businesses that are sure of their customer base will go out on a fluorescent limb.

Take Limback's latest controversy, for instance.

"IS INDIAN SUMMER POLITICALLY CORRECT?"

Three men behind the counter - Jerry Swallow, Tony Reichert, Bill Hunsinger - all collectively shrug. Somebody called the city. Somebody called the Chamber of Commerce. Somebody called Limback.

Down came the sign. The workers still don't know the answer, but they know a lot of people turned to look.

Ask Gill at the Armadillo Barbecue.

Is he careful to be politically correct?

"Absolutely not."

Doesn't he care if he upsets potential customers?

"We're not really concerned about getting upset people in here to eat." Thus, his window has been painted with such irreverent missives as:

"CLEAN RESTAURANT/ GERM-FREE DINING/AND SANITARY NAPKINS"

Or this:

"SAME OLD MANAGEMENT"

Or this takeoff on the trend toward warehouse shopping:

"WHOREHOUSE PRICING"

It doesn't matter if "CHICKEN IN A SHOE," "POULTRY IN MOTION" or "FACTORY INLET" doesn't make people hunger for BBQ; the food will do the trick.

The most notorious Northwest sign stands just off the freeway near Chehalis. Through the years it has told automobile occupants that "WOMEN ARE MEANT TO BE CHERISHED, NOT LIBERATED," "THERE ARE NO BILLBOARDS IN RUSSIA OR RED CHINA" and "AIDS, THE MIRACLE DISEASE: IT TURNS FRUITS INTO VEGETABLES."

It was to counter such messages that Marzi Tarts, Seattle's erotic bakery (the name is tame compared to the contents), put up its own little readerboard.

Owner Robert Prado doesn't worry much about offending people because those who are sensitive to his messages would never set foot in the store, anyway.

But as he looks out his Wallingford window at the traffic passing on 45th Avenue, he can tell pretty well when he's gone too far.

The message: "2-4-6-8 ARE YOU SURE YOUR MATE IS REALLY STRAIGHT" brought smiles from women but shocked looks from their husbands. Prado took it down.

"CHRISTIAN REPUBLICANS GIVE US A RASH" prompted a letter recommending baby powder.

He got the thumbs-up sign from his "MAKE LOVE, NOT OIL" sign during the Gulf War.

"I grew up in the 1970s and I think it's important that those views be expressed," said Prado.

Amusement is the intent

Even Ducky's Office Furniture has offended people, though the store's main intent is to amuse. As the quacky, er, wacky duck theme and bright colors suggest, Ducky's wants to attract a customer less staid than spunky.

Thus their eternal duck puns:

"WHY DOES A DUCK'S ROOF LEAK? BECAUSE OF ALL THE QUACKS IN IT."

"WHAT KIND OF HEADACHES DO DUCKS HAVE? MIGRATION HEADACHES?"

But a sign that talked about the "BEST DUCKIN' DEALS" drew outrage when store employees could not convince callers that kids had taken an `F' from another sign to replace the `D' during the night.

Another, "A DUCK IN THE HAND IS WORTH A QUAYLE IN THE BUSH," drew more unfavorable comment. But people loved "THANK YOU YITZHAK, YASSER, ANWAR, JIMMY, MENACHEM, SHALOM, SALAAM, PEACE TO ALL" after the Middle East peace accord.

Employees toyed with the idea of "INCREDIBLE PRICES / NO GUANO," but figured most people wouldn't know guano is duck poop.

Nothing, however, has had the appeal of the sign put up one unseasonably hot July day:

"LET US BE THE FIRST TO WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS."