A Different View Of Criticism Can Change Your Reaction

My view of criticism is that all those nasty remarks are just slugs that someone is trying to unload. The criticizer may have received so many of the slimy things as a child that he still is trying to get rid of them. He or she gets up every morning with a bucketful of slugs, looking for victims.

Those who criticize call their remarks teasing, kidding or being constructive. Constructive criticism is just a slug in a tuxedo. The slug carriers don't understand the difference between criticism and encouragement. They mean to hurt and they do.

Resist assuming that all the slugs they hand you are yours. Instead, bury them or give them back. Eliminate their power with wit. Don't swallow slugs; they make you sick. When your stomach hurts after being with someone, you can be sure it's full of slugs.

This column runs a slug-burial service to help deplete the world population of nasties. Send us your slugs and we will disintegrate them with laughter.

DEAR JENNIFER: I've been married for years and have a husband who doesn't consider himself responsible for my sexual needs. Every time I've ventured to ask for something, he promises next time, but next time never comes.

He's very considerate in other areas of our life, and the sex is loving, just never satisfying for me.

I think that my sexual frustrations have been the root of some of my emotional and behavioral problems and, frankly, I want my life to be on an even keel.

Jennifer, do you believe that he truly can love me and still not care about this one aspect of my life? - Laura

DEAR LAURA: Each of us is responsible for our own sexual needs, but we assume that in a loving relationship there will be cooperation. Given the fact that other areas of your marriage are good, here are some reasons for his refusal to cooperate: He may prefer that you be unsatisfied. Some men still think it's inappropriate and dangerous to arouse women. He may find his resistance a good way to get even with you for other things. Withholding sexual satisfaction, if it's within your power, is a very hostile act. He may be afraid that he cannot do what you want adequately, so prefers not to try. What you want may be distasteful to him for some reason.

My first thought is counseling to find out why he is withholding sexual gratification for you and what part you may be playing in this situation. He may refuse counseling and then you are left deciding what to do.

Why are you willing to gratify him when there is no equality? I sense you are afraid or think that your needs are unimportant or wrong. It would be difficult to live with this situation without feeling very angry at him.

Another possibility is to accept the good things in your marriage and choose to provide your own sexual gratification through self-stimulation. When he understands you no longer are willing to be passive he may be willing to work on the problem with you. - Jennifer

DEAR JENNIFER: You say that anger always is fear. This statement intrigues me and I would like to explore it further.

I have examined my own anger and can see the fear, sometimes openly and other times so subtly that I have difficulty pinpointing it.

I have been married for 28 years to an angry man who has a short fuse. He explodes frequently for no apparent reason. He gets angry over trivial things. Once the explosion is over, he is happy, cheerful and whistling in the midst of all the misery he has created.

Perhaps if I knew what his fears were, I could help him and I could cope better with his outbursts. - Mary

DEAR MARY: Finding the source of our own fears is difficult. Figuring out someone else's is even harder. Find out what you can about the family he was raised in and suggest to him when he is not angry that you connect anger with fear. He may ignore you but will think about what you have said.

A good way to help someone who has no control over his temper is to refuse to be present. As you point out, he feels fine afterward. Since you know it is a trivial issue, choose to ignore him. He could control himself, but he prefers the power surge.

The next time he starts, leave the room. You can use the bathroom to escape, go in another room, or go for a walk. If he follows you, go to the store, visit a friend or drive somewhere. Keep a list of errands or places and be ready to go.

He soon will understand that you are unwilling to be the recipient of his explosions and it will help him to change. As long as you are tolerant, he has no motivation to change.

He will find another way to handle his fear once you ignore his anger game. Unfortunately, our culture prefers angry men to fearful men, so it will be hard.

The reason so many people resort to quick anger is that it is easier than understanding fear. A book that may help is "The Dance of Anger" by Harriett Lerner. - Jennifer

(Copyright 1993, Jennifer James Inc. All rights reserved.)