Costco Addicted -- Cheaper By The Dozen Takes On A Whole New Meaning

FOR THOSE OF YOU NEW to our meeting, we welcome you to Costco Anonymous.

I think you'll find you're not alone. Many people love Costco too much; some have hit rock bottom. Just remember it's not a question of will, it's an infectious virus, and I think those of us who have had our paychecks directly deposited can serve witness to that.

We would like to start our meeting tonight with the four tenets of Costco Anonymous.

Please repeat after me:

- There's no way on God's Green Earth that I could ever consume 32 ounces of artichoke hearts before they spoil.

- I will recall before buying another Costco-sized sack of dog food that the average dog lives only 13 years.

- If I cannot shop with my heart rate below 150, I should not shop at all.

- Yes, I save money if I buy 96 rolls of two-ply 200-sheet toilet tissue, but not if it means I have to put the couch in storage.

Amen.

For the benefit of newcomers, I'd like to ask Charlene to share what she did today instead of going to Costco.

Charlene?

Charlene?

Will someone please get Charlene a Kleenex? Yes, yes, there are 48 boxes inside the bathroom there. Just push aside the stacks of Ivory Soap. For heaven's sake, give the door a good hard shove!

OK. Let's all provide positive energy for Charlene and hope for a better tomorrow. Are those Costco socks, Charlene? Twelve pairs for a dollar, all-cotton crew? Hmmmm. Very nice, very good value.

How about you, Peg? Could you honor us with your testimony tonight?

"My name is Peg R. I was a Costco addict. At first, it was wonderful. I found it gave me something in common to talk about at parties. Everyone wanted to discuss their latest bargains.

"My husband and I went only once a month in the beginning and limited ourselves to just two of those large orange flatbed carts. I'm still using that original box of Tampax I bought. I remember because it filled up one cart.

"Then we started going twice a month. We got the car there and new tires for the truck. We bought our son Bobby's college education there, a B.A. in capitalist economics for only $999 a year. I think my husband picked up a pretty good deal on a family-pack of teak caskets.

"I don't know. I started finding myself sneaking out on my lunch hour. I'd bury whole crates of Coca-Cola and asparagus tips in the back yard so my husband would think I'd gone to the regular grocery store. I stuffed miles of plastic packaging inside my dress and told him I was just gaining weight.

"Then one day I broke. I saw a notation chalked on the bargain board for a 24-pack of water heaters for only $3,689 and I told myself if I felt I really needed that many I could come back and get them.

"But when I came back the next day they were gone. All those other people recognized what a wonderful bargain it was, and I let it go right past me. I felt such a miserable failure.

"I tried to get into the trauma booth where Costco provides crisis intervention for people who miss the blackboard bargains, but I stood in line for half an hour before I realized I was queuing for a sample of teriyaki chicken wings.

"At last, someone shoved a number for this support group in my hand."

Thank you, Peg, for sharing.

I think we should take a break now for treats. Dan has brought a crate of those delicious Costco saucer-sized muffins. No questions asked, Dan.

Does anyone have suggestions about the topic for tomorrow night's session? Yes, Martin?

Well, no, Martin. I mean, I hear what you're saying, that it might be therapeutic for us to actually meet at Costco and walk through the aisles and use each other for strength, but I think that might be premature.

These muffins are fantastic, as usual, Dan. By the way, is that sweater from Costco? That's all you paid!?!

You know, on second thought, if the group really feels it's ready, I don't want to stand in the way. In fact, I think it could be a final show of our collective will and our ability to say no to Costco.

Just for a lark let's go in that refrigerated semi truck Charlene bought last month on Aisle 15.

Sherry Stripling is a writer in the Newsfeatures department of The Seattle Times. Shirley Swanson teaches in Mount Vernon.