Customs And Taboos -- Well-Intended Gifts Can Hold Unintended Meaning

If you intend to take a gift to an acquaintance or a long-lost relative when visiting overseas, be careful. As a stranger bearing gifts in a foreign land, you may find that the gifts have a totally foreign meaning to the recipient.

For instance, what could be more innocent than for a man to offer a dozen red roses to his hostess at a family dinner in Germany?

In Germany and most of Europe, red roses suggest "romance, secrecy and passion." In addition, proffering an even number of flowers signifies bad luck.

So make sure your roses are not red. And, whatever type of flowers you take, the bouquet should contain an odd number of them. One exception to the rule: don't take 13 flowers because that number also signifies bad luck.

In Italy, a rose by any other name may smell as sweet but it also can cause furrowed brows. yellow roses, too: they can signify "jealousy." Chrysanthemums are even worse gifts: they're only used for funerals.

In Japan, any flowers are an appropriate gift when invited to dinner at a home. A cake or a box of candy are customary .

Information on customs and social conventions around the world is found in the just-published third edition of Roger E. Axtell's "Do's and Taboos Around the World" (John Wiley and Sons $12.95).

Gifts of the wrong impression

In Europe, when making floral offerings to your hostess, it is customary to unwrap the top of the bouquet to show the flowers, but a gift given in Japan usually is not unwrapped at the time it's presented to the hostess. In fact, it is considered poor taste to insist the gift be opened immediately. This is to avoid any embarrassment to the givers or to the recipients should a hint of disappointment or bewilderment show on the recipients' faces as they unwrap it.

Visitors to Japan, "which stands alone at the top of the ladder for gift-giving," should avoid giving knives as gifts because presenting a knife to a Japanese symbolizes suggesting suicide. Don't wrap the gift in white paper because white is associated with death. And never give four of anything, because the Japanese word for the number four is "shi," also associated with the word for death.

In China, white, blue or black gifts are associated with funerals; but red, pink, and yellow gifts are OK because those are "joyful" colors. Straw sandals, also associated with funerals, are considered bad luck, handkerchiefs are a sign of sadness, and sharp objects - knives, scissors, letter openers - symbolize the cutting of a friendship. Two of anything is considered good luck, so look for gifts that come in pairs. Single items and odd numbers are a sign of separation, loneliness and death.

"Much of the world has gone through monumental changes in recent years, and we've tried to keep up with them on the social and behavorial side. (But) the more we learn, the more we keep reaching the same conclusion: Rules for proper behavior and protocol are not very exact," says Axtell.

He says it's just as easy to get disoriented in Asia with gift-giving as it is in figuring out proper titles and names.

What's in a name?

"For instance, in the People's Republic of China, the surname comes first and the given name last. Therefore Lo Win Hao would be referred to as Mr. Lo," Axtell says. "But that rule doesn't apply throughout Asia. In Korea, which of a man's names takes a Mr. depends on whether he's his father's first or second son, and in Thailand, although the names run backwards as in China, the Mr. is put with the given name."

He also says that most U.S. tourists still do not know the the difference between England, Great Britain and the United Kingdom - which is the most popular overseas destination for Americans. (England, Scotland and Wales comprise Great Britain; when Northern Ireland is added, it's the United Kingdom.)

Axtell also has written a free brochure for Citibank titled "Do's and Taboos of Preparing Your Trip Abroad." The brochure is available by calling 1-800-722-3800 between now and Labor Day. Or call the number to ask Axtell any questions about customs in the country you're planning to visit; he'll respond by mail, usually within one to two weeks.