Hiding `Girlie' Magazines Isn't A Sign You Can't Trust Him

"If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm our hostilities." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

DEAR JENNIFER: Last summer before my husband (just married) was leaving on a business trip I found several copies of a pornographic magazine. The magazine is one of the more graphic, gutter type that show intimate parts of the anatomy.

Immediately I referred to your book, "Women and the Blues" and specifically this paragraph you wrote. "They feel their fantasy world doesn't reflect negatively on their relationship or their wives' sexuality, and they resent women's attempts to stop these activities. Leave his magazines alone."

This is the second marriage for both of us. I found "girlie" magazines early in my first marriage, too. I am bothered more this time, I think, because I have embraced sisterhood and the respect for women it implies, I feel I'm being compared physically and at over 40 I don't stack up and I don't like the secrecy.

This almost destroyed what trust I had been building in my husband. We were both married when we met each other. I lost respect for him. I found him almost foolish for the secrecy. Could he and would he hide anything else from me?

Do you still tolerate the outlook I quoted. I so value your views. Your books are treasures. - Bobbie

DEAR BOBBIE: Yes, I feel the same although I am an ardent feminist and hope that someday pornography disappears. Women often have their emotions close to the surface and their fantasies deep within. We think or read whatever wild thoughts we want and are usually satisfied without pictures. Maybe that is what is behind Mona Lisa's smile. We are almost smug in our ability to use our minds and emotions to create sensuality.

Many men have deeply hidden emotions and fantasies that are very close to the zipper. They see, they want. I believe it is the reproductive mandate of long ago. Men were to scatter the seeds and young, fertile women were the most viable recipients if the human species was to propagate. Many small bands of homo sapiens died out because of high infant and maternal death rates. Females were old by 30 and died at an average of 36 years.

Male orgasm could be quick and anonymous and still contribute to reproduction. Females had to be more selective because they needed food and protection through gestation, birth and years of nursing and caring for small children. The female orgasm is more complex and may create a deeper bond. This all adds up to very different needs and motivations.

Now, love, bonding, commitment and fidelity are more important to society and family than reproduction. But we are still genetically the same hunters and gatherers. Many men have chosen a reasonable evolutionary path in converting to magazines instead of chasing young women. The photos don't get pregnant and they fulfill fantasies. Some century we will evolve to the deeper sexuality and intimacy than is now possible as sex and reproduction separate.

Meanwhile, hidden pornographic magazines (adult not child, consensual not violent) are not a trust issue on the part of men. They are offensive but if you cannot trust your husband because of a "normal" fantasy it is a deeper problem that may be connected to how you met or your own psychology. Sort out your fears and hurts before you hold your husband accountable for them. Being an interesting woman, over time, will give you more sensuality than being young and "stacked."

Sex is still a deep mystery and orgasm a magical gift. Perhaps the ability to let go, the French call it "le petite mort" (the little death), is our most personal moment. We deserve our privacy. No one can give all of what they are to another and we shouldn't be asked to. Remember Bob Dylan, "I gave her my heart but she wanted my soul." Love, to me, includes a lot of respect for the privacy and integrity of another and that allows honesty and trust. It requires that we respect and trust ourselves.

None of this is easy to understand or accept but we have different assignments in the 1990s than our ancestors. We have solved our population problems. We are struggling with what is fair and what is good and what is possible. Maybe the last thing we'll become successful at will be the ability to love and respect each other. - Jennifer

Random acts of kindness division:

Many years ago I took my two toddlers on a trip to visit grandparents. We were in a waiting room while changing planes in Chicago. One son walked to a well-dressed woman who had a large box on her lap. He opened it and looked inside. I rushed over with "John, we don't do that!" The woman looked up, smiled and said, "He was only being curious, Mommy." How I would like to tell her what that kind remark meant to a tired and flustered mother. - Carol

There is an antique-shop tearoom in Kent. It doesn't pay to have a favorite table because chances are the next time you go, it won't be there.

When we finished lunch there one day and my husband went to pay the check, the cashier informed him it had been paid. He couldn't believe it. "Are you sure?" he asked. "Remember that young couple who sat across from you? They paid your bill along with theirs. Have a nice day," she added. "I think we already have," I told her. - Helen

(Copyright, 1993, Jennifer James Inc. All rights reserved.)

Jennifer James' column runs Sundays in the Scene section of The Seattle Times. Letters will be edited to preserve anonymity. Address letters to: Jennifer James, c/o Scene, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.