My Relationship's A Submarine

RELATIONSHIP IS THE MOST overworked word in the lexicon of popular psychology. It is ubiquitous and inescapable because there is no synonym that means precisely the same thing. Yet as familiar as the word is, most people have probably not seen its innate quality as a lively metaphor.

Relationship. If the relation you share with someone is a ship, what kind of ship is it? Here are some of the more common ones. If yours is not here, use your imagination in defining it for yourself.

Luxury liner. The ideal relation ship is a luxury liner, cruising leisurely through calm waters under a scenic postcard-blue sky. You're in the tropics or just off the Cote d'Azur. Icebergs don't exist in this clime. The sun is high and pleasantly warm, the wind carries a scent of island spice, flying fish cavort in the breezes to port and starboard, and iridescent fish sparkle in the transparent blue sea.

There are green islands along the horizon where perhaps you'll stop and comb the pink beaches for sand dollars and sea shells and gather coconuts and star apples and bananas from the nearby jungle.

You hope this cruise will last indefinitely and believe that it will and do your best not to think about those lifeboats you know are drifting around all over out there in the seven seas.

Lifeboat. When a relation ship fails and sinks, sometimes you and your mate find yourselves adrift in a lifeboat among the flotsam and jetsam of happy memories and fading dreams. This little boat is a remnant of the ship in which you once rode the waves in high style.

Your first concern now is strictly survival, not pleasure, and this depends on whether there are storms ahead, how many provisions you have, and if you can navigate well enough to survive.

It is possible, of course, that both of you will survive the ordeal, that one day you may set out again on another big ship and this time avoid the mistakes that sunk you on the other voyage.

Submarine. The divorce statistics bear out the fact that in a great percentage of marriages the relation ships are submarines, which is to say so imperfect as to be virtually invisible. During peacetime, submarine duty is merely tedious and noncommittal, but in wartime (the war between the sexes, in this case) you run the risk of being depth-charged.

Keep your periscope upland, your SONAR (Staunch Opposition to Negating a Relation ship) in operation. Surface as much as possible, get some fresh air, and keep your lines of communication open. There is always the chance that one day you will transfer from submarine duty and find your self on the bridge of a flagship.

Freighter. You plod steadily through the water, regardless of the weather. It doesn't matter if the seas are calm or a typhoon is on the way. You've weathered plenty of storms and been becalmed. Endurance is your forte and you've long ago resigned yourself to the realization that luxury accommodations and fun are not part of your voyage.

You dream of regattas, but delivering the crates in the hold to the dock in some unglamorous port is your fate.

Icebreaker. This relation ship was launched because neither of you were afraid to break the ice romantically in the beginning, and what keeps it afloat is the fact that when one of you becomes cold toward the other you are both inclined to break the ice.

The voyage may be as crunchy as it is smooth, but you will never need a counselor to tell you how to communicate.

Trimaran. A menage a trois is a relation ship, too. Whether it stays afloat depends on how well the three-person crew can bail water when the inevitable waves come crashing over the hull.

Tugboat. The woman who has a kept man or the person whose mate is psychologically or emotionally retarded has a relation ship that is a tugboat. They are always pushing or towing the other person along, doing the work, making the waves. It doesn't matter how big the other person is, the power belongs to the one who does the towing and pushing, who navigates the channels and maintains the course.

Battleship. A certain amount of fighting characterizes most relation ships, but this one is defined by fighting. A battleship is the largest of warships and the one with the greatest number of guns. From the moment you left port you've been battle-ready and action is what you seek in the form of exchanging salvos of insults and emotionally destructive broad sides.

The love/hate relationship is one of the oldest between couples and it is what keeps you fueled, maneuvering and eager to test your firepower. Naturally you are very reluctant to drop anchor psychologically, because you know that moving targets are much harder to hit.

Larry Tritten is a freelance writer living in San Francisco.