The American Dream, '90S Style: Introducing The Musical Condom

Paul Lyons is a proud guy, a guy who had a dream, pursued it, and triumphed.

And while half of him wants the world to know of his accomplishment, the other half's not so sure.

See, Paul Lyons also is a shy guy. And his triumph came in November when he was awarded U.S. Patent No. 5,163,447.

For a musical condom.

Or, as the patent reads, a "force-sensitive, sound-playing condom."

With the exception of his brother, his attorney and a few close friends, Lyons, of Southbridge, Mass., hasn't told anyone of his invention.

"Even if I made a million dollars off it, I probably wouldn't want to go around telling everyone I've succeeded in this area," he said the other day. "It's enough just for me to know it."

Keeping the lid on his success may prove somewhat difficult. His name and address were published with the patent certificate.

He's already gotten calls from regular readers of the Patent Official Gazette, the federal register of patents issued.

"Most of them were lawyers who wanted to know where they could buy the condoms," said Lyons.

Attention: Production has yet to begin. Lyons is still looking for a manufacturer. So, don't look for the condoms until summer or fall - at the very soonest.

That hasn't deterred some other eager entrepreneurs. Lyons recently got a call from a company that - for a price - would reproduce a copy of his patent certificate, complete with detailed diagram of the condom, on a lampshade.

He declined.

There's a part of Paul Lyons - who politely declines to provide his occupation, or even his age - that chafes at this self-imposed anonymity. He sees himself fulfilling the American dream - 1990s version - of using his wits to get ahead.

"What does a person have if he doesn't have millions of dollars?" he asked the other day. "He has his ability and his intelligence."

"My motto is `Find a need and fill it.' That's what I did," he continued.

Frankly, Lyons marvels that somebody hadn't already invented a musical condom.

"It seems so simple," he said. "I was sure somebody had already done it." Like other great inspirations, it grew out of a casual conversation.

"A friend and I were talking about the recession and different ways of making money," Lyons said. "I thought about it . . . and made a list. The invention has to be something inexpensive, something the majority of people can afford and that the majority of people would find appealing in some way."

There were other considerations.

"You need something with a good amount of planned obsolescence, something that's not going to last 100 years or so, something that will have a quick turnover."

In other words, something like a condom - an item people will buy, use, throw away, and buy more.

The musical condom - he's still working on a catchy name - wasn't Lyons' first invention idea. He actually wanted to patent small containers to house gladiolus bulbs to make them easier to plant in the spring and remove each fall after blooming.

Three or four people already had that idea, he discovered.

Nobody, however, had thought of assembling a "miniature piezoelectric sound transducer, a microchip which controls the operation of (the) transducer, a power-supplying dry-cell battery and a switch."

When pressure is applied to the rim of the condom containing the tiny circuitry, the transducer emits "a predetermined melody, or a voice message," according to the patent.

The patent continues: "The music or voice message may be played once, or it may be repeated continuously for several minutes to coincide with the duration of coitus.

"A voiced message may be a warning about safe sex, or a compliment to the couple for using a condom. Suitable melodies - if music is played - may be "The 1812 Overture," `The Ode to Joy' from Beethoven's "Ninth Symphony," the song `Happy Birthday to You,' `The Anniversary Waltz,' or any popular love song."

Those are only suggestions, of course. Lyons said the number of condom tunes is mind-boggling.

"Once you start thinking, you can't stop," he said.

His attorney likes Peggy Lee's "Is That All There Is?" Lyons likes "Born to Be Wild."

It has taken Lyons several years to get this far in his quest to produce the musical condom. It hasn't been easy. "What held me up for a long time was finding the musical component," he said. "You can't believe the phone bills I ran up. Finally, everyone said I had to go to the Orient to find it, which I did not want to do. I wanted to stay in America."

But one call to a Hong Kong trading association, and Lyons had the names of 10 Asian companies that could provide the tiny sound unit, similar to the type used in audio greeting cards.

That wasn't the end, however. Consider the matter of volume.

"The speaker has to be large enough and powerful enough to be heard over the, uh, background noise - but not heard in the next room," he said.

"And you have to look at liability. The battery in it would be so low in terms of producing current."

Lyons hopes his condom will sell for $3.50 to $5, and is confident there is a market.

On that score, he's correct.

"People have already asked for something like that," said Harvey Green, manager of Condom Nation in Philadelphia. "Oh, he'll do very, very well."

The price is in line with the dozens of other novelty condoms sold in the store.

"People are willing to pay almost $20 for musical wedding garters," said Green. "The musical condom at least does something for the money."

While Lyons hopes to recoup some of the thousands of dollars he's spent to date, he sees another positive side to his invention.

"If nothing else, my condom may prevent some dreaded disease or prevent some pregnancies," he said. "This may be a great motivational tool."