Attention, Men -- OK, It's Time To Discuss Mr. Happy

A review copy of a certain book arrived at this paper, a book I'm sure will be a bestseller. For some reason, the book editor thought of me when perusing this work.

For the record, I am currently a little miffed at the book editor. Wouldn't you be, if you thought of yourself as being, you know, a pretty normal guy, and someone handed you this book?

"If you're a man you know what it's like. You worry about it, you wonder about it, you agonize over it. But until now, you've never known what to do. Now, there's . . .

"SUPERPOTENCY.

"Dr. Dudley Danoff, a leading urologist with a thriving practice in Beverly Hills, breaks through the barrier of silence and embarrassment to talk openly, intelligently and effectively about the subject of penis weakness and how to overcome it."

I should state at this point that I just quoted from the jacket of a for-real book and not something from a David Letterman monologue; that the book has a big-name publisher, Warner Books; and that it has the endorsement of someone who should know.

That person is Naura Hayden, who's been on the bestseller lists forever with the literary triumph "How To Satisfy A Woman Every Time . . . and have her beg for more!" She said that, based on her expertise, "Superpotency" is an absolute "must read."

So I did look through Danoff's book. I later phoned the doctor, who's a very busy urologist, what with helping the populace of Beverly Hills and jetting to appearances on TV talk shows.

I managed to schedule an interview at 6:30 in the morning, which, trust me, is a very odd time to discuss Mr. Happy.

If you don't mind, that's the term we'll use, just to prove how maturely and openly this column can discuss such matters.

Besides, the doctor said that using a nickname like Mr. Happy shows just how central this organ is to "a man's identity."

In his book, Danoff lists 49 terms - from "Roger" to "Goober" - that patients have used for you-know-what, indicating their problems are not just physical.

By the way, Mr. Happy is what Robin Williams uses in his stand-up routines. The King, of course, simply used "Little Elvis." President Lyndon Johnson liked "Jumbo." The doctor himself uses "My Buddy," while his wife, he said, simply calls it "That Thing."

In 22 years of practice, including as a urologic surgeon at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, Danoff said he's seen more than 100,000 Mr. Happys.

That's right, 100,000 Mr. Happys, ranging from everyday Mr. Happys to those belonging to "royalty, rock stars and industrial giants," whose identities Danoff says he cannot reveal.

"They all look surprisingly alike," the doctor said. "Some find it curiously ugly. But if they all look so alike, why do they behave so differently?"

Well, to find out, that's why there's this $19.95 book, right?

Here's some of what Danoff has learned:

You cannot wear out Mr. Happy. It can take "much more of a thrashing than most other appendages." Still, an "alarming percentage" of men are plagued by the belief that their Mr. Happy has a "weakness."

There is absolutely nothing physically wrong with the majority of Mr. Happys. Do you know what is Mr. Happy's biggest enemy? Self-doubt. As the doctor explained: Mr. Happy is as big as YOU think it is; if you think big, you are big. Mr. Happy is as potent as you think it is. When you are OK, Mr. Happy is OK.

"Superpotency" runs 221 pages, and the doctor not only gives out a Mr. Happy philosophy (". . . it's not about blood vessels and nerves. Rather, it's about heightened self-awareness"), but plenty of fascinating Mr. Happy facts (Mr. Happy performs better in the summer. "Have you noticed," the doctor said, "what happens to your scrotum when you plunge into a cold pool?").

By now it was past 7 in the morning, and soon the doctor was going to do surgery on some Mr. Happys who were acting more like Mr. Grumpys. Danoff figured that by the end of the day, he'd see 30 Mr. Happys at his office.

Finally, I'd like to leave you with this parting message from the doctor's book.

Mr. Happy never lies and Mr. Happy is never fooled. Mr. Happy is a perfect reflection of your deepest thoughts and emotions.

And you thought we were becoming a trivialized society incapable of meaningful discussion.