Looking Back, Laughing -- 1992, According To Dave Barry -- Rundown On The Real And The Weird From The Year's Events

JANUARY

1 - George Bush, while practicing the Secret Handshake of the Six or Seven Top World Leaders club, glances out the Oval Office window and notices that the darned U.S. economy is STILL in trouble. He vows to write a stern note to his economic advisers, Wayne and Garth. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton - a virtual unknown on the national scene, despite the fact that he has been governor of Arkansas since he was 17 - arrives in New Hampshire with a truck containing 957 separate eight-point policies and enough hair spray to immobilize the Brazilian rain forest.

8 - President Bush flies to Japan accompanied by 237 high-level aides, 322 leading U.S. business executives, 517 journalists, 856 security personnel, the first lady, 26 grandchildren and both White House dogs. Left behind, tragically, is the black briefcase containing the presidential Pepto-Bismol. Elvis marks his 57th birthday with an appearance on the "Larry King Live" show.

9 - Virginia Gov. Douglas Wilder pulls out of the presidential race, sending shock tremors through the estimated 15 people who knew he was running. Mario Cuomo calls an urgent press conference to announce that it will not be necessary for him to drop out, because he was never in.

10 - In Tokyo, President Bush scores an economic coup as the Japanese government, under intense pressure to open its doors to U.S. imports, agrees to purchase a 1992 Chevrolet Caprice. At a formal dinner hosted by the prime minister, the president formalizes the agreement by performing the ceremonial Ralph of Friendship.

20 - The Japanese government's Caprice develops transmission trouble.

26 - In a surprising Super Bowl outcome, the Washington Redskins and the Buffalo Bills stop playing in the third quarter so they can watch Bill and Hillary Clinton discuss their marriage on "60 Minutes."

FEBRUARY

4 - True Item: An archaeological expedition, guided by photographs taken from space, locates a "lost city" buried under the desert of Oman.

7 - President Bush, responding to allegations that his use of the potent sleeping-pill Halcion has caused him to act erratically, angrily tells reporters that they are "big Methodist spiders."

8 - The lost city in Oman is identified as Toledo, Ohio, which apparently has been missing since 1987, but nobody noticed until now.

11 - Bill Clinton's character comes under further scrutiny when the news media obtain a 1969 photograph showing him reporting for a draft physical wearing a dress.

17 - Jeffrey Dahmer is sentenced to life in prison with no refrigerator privileges.

20 - Ross Perot announces that if his supporters put him on the ballot in all 50 states, he will have them investigated.

MARCH

9 - True Item: Led by the Surgeon General, U.S. doctors call on R.J. Reynolds to dump the "Old Joe" cartoon camel as a symbol for Camel cigarettes, on the grounds that it has great appeal to children.

10 - Jerry Brown wins the Disneyland primary.

11 - In New York, the trial of accused Mafia kingpin John Gotti is recessed while the judge considers a defense motion to declare a mistrial because "The air seems to be running a little low inside the 55-gallon drum where we are keeping your honor's mother."

12 - True Item: Tammy Faye Bakker announces that she is seeking a divorce, saying that waiting for her convicted evangelist troll husband, Jim, to get out of jail is "too hard on the physical body."

13 - Controversy flares anew over professional baseball's escalating salaries when the Chicago Cubs sign a five-year, $43 million contract with catcher Tom Daily, who died in 1939.

14 - In a heartwarming display of concern for the health of the young, R.J. Reynolds announces that it will dump "Old Joe," and that Camels will henceforth be represented by "Old Kermit the Frog."

31 - "Silence of the Lambs" is the big winner in the Academy Award ceremonies, which culminate in an emotional moment when Best Actor Anthony Hopkins breaks down on stage and ralphs up what is later identified as a segment of Best Actress Jodie Foster.

APRIL

9 - Great Britain elects an entire new government after a campaign that took less time, total, than U.S. politicians will need, later in the year, to agree on a debate format.

17 - Downtown Chicago is paralyzed for what will turn out to be several days by a massive, multimillion-dollar flood, the cause of which is ultimately traced to the home of Arnold Spooterman, whose last words, according to his wife, were "We don't need a plumber. I'll just tighten this. . . . "

MAY

5 - Ross Perot's poll ratings surge again after he announces that his plan to fix the country finally did arrive, but had to be sent back because of a faulty binding. Hillary Clinton, newly released from a successful treatment at the Donna Reed Housewife Rehabilitation Clinic, declares that the No. 1 concern of the public is "closet space."

21 - In what will later be viewed as a mistake, the crack Middle East Peace Negotiating Team is sent into what used to be Yugoslavia.

26 - The Food and Drug Administration announces a ban on molecules.

JUNE

3 - Bill Clinton, seeking to improve his image among young voters, goes on "The Arsenio Hall Show" and, after donning a pair of dark sunglasses, smokes a joint.

10 - Scientists detect a large new hole in the ozone layer, believed to be caused by fumes from flaming desserts served at the Earth Summit.

17 - Seeking to boost the sagging U.S. humor industry, Vice President Dan Quayle gives a spelling lesson.

JULY

7 - A freak tidal wave hits Daytona Beach, Fla. Scientists are baffled until satellite photos detect Ted Kennedy breast-stroking about three miles offshore.

17 - Clinton begins his speech accepting the Democratic nomination.

19 - Clinton ends his speech and sets out on a bus tour of the Heartland with Al Gore, whose body is unable to bend enough to fit in the bus seats, so his aides just stick him up on the luggage rack, still in a waving position.

29 - In Olympic basketball action, the Dream Team defeats the Republic of Zwit 563-4. Charles Barkley scores 153 points before being ejected late in the second quarter for arson.

AUGUST

1 - This would have been an excellent time for South Floridians to check on their homeowners' insurance.

2 - In Olympic basketball action, the Dream Team, seeking to save time, defeats teams from Brazil, Poland and Canada simultaneously.

5 - The Supreme Court, in a landmark decision, rules that, once on the island, Gilligan is not legally required to obey orders from the Skipper.

20 - General Motors announces that, in an effort to cut costs, it will stop making cars.

21 - Delegates to the Republican Convention reaffirm their support for Traditional Family Values by burning a suspected witch.

24 - Hurricane Andrew hits the mainland, setting in motion one of the largest domestic relief efforts in U.S. history as public and private organizations send in billions of dollars, tons of supplies, thousands of relief workers, and an estimated two insurance adjusters.

SEPTEMBER

10 - The U.S. Congress, long ridiculed for avoiding the tough issues, courageously passes a law regulating cable-TV rates.

25 - In a landmark ruling, an Orlando, Fla., judge declares that a 12-year-old boy has the right to select his own parents. He selects Marge and Homer Simpson.

28 - The political world is thrown into an uproar when Ross Perot, having thwarted the intergalactic plot to mess up his daughter's wedding, hints he may re-enter the presidential race. He invites Bush and Clinton campaign officials to visit him and indicate their views by spelling out words with their tongues on his shoes.

OCTOBER

3 - In a shrewd public-relations move that garners enormous sympathy for her cause, whatever it is, follicly impaired singer Sinead O'Connor tears up a photo of the Pope.

5 - After more than a month of on-again, off-again negotiations, a debate format is finally agreed upon, and all four major news networks interrupt their prime-time programming to present the first of four scheduled prime-time confrontations between Mia Farrow and Woody Allen.

13 - In the first of four presidential debates, Bill Clinton promises to increase spending for jobs, education, health care, the environment, the infrastructure, the outfrastructure and parking, while at the same time reducing the deficit and cutting taxes for the middle class. Bush says Clinton is a bozo. Ross Perot says it's time to cut bait and talk turkey.

16 - The three major vice-presidential candidates debate. Here is the complete transcript: "MY turn!" "No, MINE!" "What?" "Doodyhead!" "Wiener brain!" "Where am I?" "ARE TOO!" "AM NOT!" "What's going on?" "Liar liar pants on fire!" "Nanny nanny boo-boo!" "Who are these people?"

19 - Clinton promises to increase spending on the cities, suburbs, farms, wilderness, ozone layer and asteroid belt, while at the same time eliminating waste and heart disease. Bush says Clinton is a communist whoremonger. Perot says you have to bale hay while the tractor is warm.

23 - Clinton promises to give every voter a briefcase full of money while at the same time fighting cavities and saving Bambi's mom from the hunters. Bush bites Clinton on the leg. Perot says it takes two snakes to cross a puddle.

NOVEMBER

3 - Clinton wins and announces that he may not be able to fulfill all of his campaign promises IMMEDIATELY, but he does expect, within the first 100 days, to ask Congress to declare National Reed Instruments Week.

25 - In Britain, a fire strikes the queen's clothes closet, destroying 4,317 hats with an estimated street value of $11.

26 - Superman dies, probably as a result of wearing the same underwear for 50 years.

DECEMBER

1 - What begins as a friendly transitional get-together between the Bushes and Clintons ends in tragedy when Millie ralphs up what is later identified as Socks the cat.

3 - Professional baseball's owners, meeting to set the 1993 schedule, vote unanimously to eliminate the actual games so everybody can devote full time to contract hassles.

8 - Congress, seeking to ease the pain during difficult times, approves a $34.7 million program to teach defeated and retiring congresspersons how to deal with ordinary civilian life, including courses on Paying For Your Own Meal, Parking With Common People, Not Writing Checks For More Money Than You Actually Have, and How To Buy A Postage Stamp And Attach It To An Envelope.

14 - In Britain, rumors flare anew concerning the troubled marriage of Charles and Diana after a tabloid newspaper obtains a tape-recording of an intimate telephone conversation between Charles and a party he refers to as "Weejums."

23 - Britain is shocked by the revelation that "Weejums" is a polo pony.

24 - The American Medical Association, concluding a 10-year study on why health-care costs are rising so fast, reports that the fundamental cause "could be a number of things," so "we're going to schedule some tests," but there is no need to worry because "insurance will pay for it."

26 - Allegations of Japanese "dumping" on the U.S. auto market flare anew when 9-year-old Jason Loogett of Memphis, Tenn., discovers a Toyota minivan in his Cracker Jacks.

31 - Bands of white men in dark suits are converging on New Hampshire to prepare for the 1996 presidential campaign, which begins next week. Until then, have a Happy New Year.