Develop Personal Integrity By Identifying Your Own Values

Aug 23, 1992

Jennifer James

Jennifer James Inc.

When the going gets tough, the tough get sensitive.

DEAR JENNIFER: I enjoy your insightful column. Your response to one reader centered upon the importance of living our lives with integrity. Will you please give us a more expanded definition of personal integrity. Thank you. - Teri

DEAR TERI: Tim Wirth, a third generation Coloradan has served in the U.S. Senate since 1986. He decided this spring not to run for a second term. This quote is from an essay by him in The New York Times Magazine.

"I tried to sort out what was really important to me. As we talked that night, Wren (his wife) reminded me what a psychologist friend had said to her about the effects of waging the kind of campaign I was heading into. `If you have a mature, integrated personality, you can't just split off a piece of it and go out and do something that you intrinsically feel is wrong,' Wren repeated the psychologist's words. "That is a betrayal of self. When you destroy someone, you destroy a part of yourself, too. And if you keep doing it, you become a deadened, hollow man."

Whether the issue is fidelity, racism, hitting a child, working for a tobacco company, manipulating justice or shaving your values to get ahead, it all adds up to the same thing. You have made a short-term or long-term pact with the devil. Integrity is knowing your own values and living by them. It is not rigid, it is compassionate and sound.

The synonyms I can offer - being whole, undivided, unimpaired, complete, honest, truthful, fair, genuine, honorable. It is a wonderful list and a hard one. Keep struggling with your own definition; it is a worthy and passionate way to live. - Jennifer

DEAR JENNIFER: Please, please do a column for adolescent boys about bullying and teasing.

I am the mother of a 12-year-old and want to help him develop the best ways of dealing with bullies - it's not an everyday occurrence but it happens often enough that sometimes he doesn't want to go to school.

My son is going to be a wonderful man and I know he will make it through this - but he doesn't know that he is going to make it through and that's what concerns me. - Carol

DEAR CAROL: Let us start with philosophy and end with practical help. The "nerds" will inherit the Earth and the bullies know that. Sensitivity equals awareness and awareness is a powerful element of intelligence. Bullies are by definition ignorant and increasingly disabled in a world that requires negotiation and communication skills. Most bullies will be unemployable by the year 2000.

Men and women who rely on intimidation, verbal or physical, are running out of room and they know it. They are very afraid. You can see it in the domestic and the international political landscape.

Tell your son he is a man of the future so must hold on to his sensitivity and tolerate the fear these bullies display. Advise him not to confuse their fear with strength. Let him know that his teachers will be able to do little to help because they also operate in a "bullying" environment. Encourage him not to forget his feelings so that he can contribute to change when he is an adult.

Then work with him on strategy. How can he safely ignore or avoid these boys? What activity interests him that he can excel at and build his own sense of self? Does he want to consider another, more disciplined school? Can he travel with friends and avoid being caught alone? Do any of the boys that bully need help in some way? Each of these boys must have some personal misery that leads them to display their worst self. Can he figure out what their pain is instead of concentrating on his own?

I will send a chapter from my book on criticism, "young slugs" to give him a list of positive comebacks to almost anything that is said to him.

"You're a wimp!" / "Yes I know but wimps make a lot of money these days."

"You're a shrimp!"/ "Yes I know but I'm trying to save the environment by taking up less space."

"Hey four eyes!"/ "When I get bi-focals I'll have six eyes."

"You've got a bad face."/ "You should have seen me before I got it fixed."

Don't encourage him to fight back, just to endure and concentrate on his own character. This strength will become obvious to all but the densest bully and the rest will move on to an easier target.

He will take his cues from you. Make sure that you don't let your emotions make it difficult for him to pass by these taunts and find his own way. - Jennifer

Jennifer James' column runs Sundays in the Scene section of The Seattle Times. Letters will be edited to preserve anonymity. Address letters to: Jennifer James, c/o Scene, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.