The End Is Near...So Stay Home, Californians

Open letter to Californians who might be insane enough to move here:

No doubt you have seen TV disaster films of flooding in the Northwest. No doubt you also have seen our Lake Washington floating bridge breaking up, or sinking.

This is no disaster, or even unusual. Such things go on all the time in and around Seattle. But only occasionally do national news outlets take notice of our water-logged environment.

Most transplanted Californians hate me. This is because, over the years, I have tried to keep so many of these nitwits from moving here. To them, the name of Watson is anathema.

Only the other day I received a letter that began, ``Dear Anathema, who are you to tell us we can't sell our homes in California and move to the Northwest?''

There is only one answer to that: ``Who do you have to be?''

Among my souvenirs is a bundle of mail, wrapped in asbestos, stored in a safe, cement-encased storage area. These letters will eventually be moved to whatever place the government decides is safe to store nuclear waste.

Such incendiary missives refer to me as ``bigoted,'' ``full of hate,'' ``cantankerous,'' ``cranky codger'' and ``witch hunter.''

Now pause and think a moment, transplanted Californians. Have you no gratitude?

In several columns I advised you to stay the hell away from here. To emphasize the point, I did so as tastelessly as possible. But it was all for your own good.

The Northwest is no place for your kind - sun-loving, sun-kissed, soft-headed, restless, nomadic Californians. This place is not for you. It is for spiritual descendants of Capt. Ahab, in pursuit of whales on stormy seas.

We Northwesterners are a tough breed. Over many generations of Darwinian natural selection, our species has adapted to this harsh, wet environment.

We are highly resistant to pneumonia; we are rain-proof, webfooted; we have a dogged, somewhat stupid patience, gridlocked on highways because of washed-out bridges.

Who are you, California migrants, to think you can exist with our kind?

When I warned you to stay away, you took umbrage. You were insulted. A lot of you came here despite my kindly advice - and now look what you've got:

Rivers flowing over their banks. Schools closed. Transportation disrupted. Rain. Wind storms.

We haven't seen the sun for weeks. You still want to stay here? What are you, a bunch of masochists?

I was about to say, ``Well, that's all water over the dam.'' But then I realized that this is only November; by February, all our dams may have collapsed.

Transplanted Californians now have a taste of what a cruel place the Northwest can be. For them, it is not too late to move back to where they came from - Orange County, San Diego, Anaheim, Pasadena, ad infinitum. The land of eternal sunshine.

So much for local transplants. The rest of this column is addressed to any boobs in California who still want to move here. I will tell you what it is like.

The other day, during the height of wind and rainstorms, I went down to Lake Union. There is a man down there who is building an ark. He said he comes from a long line of Noahs but offered no further explanation.

``I am almost through with my ark,'' he said. ``When the time comes, I will open it to two of each two goats, even two elephants, and many other forms of wild animal life.''

``Even transplanted Californians?'' I asked him.

``This species deserves to be saved,'' Mr. Noah said. ``Just because they are stubborn and have no sense of humor does not mean they should be condemned to extinction. I will allow two aboard my ark, a man and a woman. They do not even have to be married.''

``Shocking,'' I said.

This is what we have come to, distant Californians. Please stay where you are, all of you.

In time you will realize that I am the best enemy you have. With enemies like me, you don't need any friends. Friends get you in trouble. They say things like, ``It's too overcrowded in California. Let's move to Seattle.''

Meanwhile, the wind and rain have made it unbearable up here. I would like to come to California and dry out. If any Californian has a nice home in Palm Springs, I would be happy to borrow it for a while.

Come, come. Have you no gratitude?

Emmett Watson's column appears Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday in the Northwest section of The Times.