Birthday Suits For All Could Solve Locker-Room Crisis

New questions have been raised about one of the country's more pressing social issues - female sportswriters in men's locker rooms.

As a washed-up sportswriter, and having not only observed many naked men but having been one myself, I feel qualified to supply some answers.

The latest questions were raised after a female reporter was barred from the Cincinnati locker room here after the Bengals' Monday night professional football game with the Seattle Seahawks.

The Cincinnati coach said he didn't want a woman in the room while his players were undressed. But the woman could interview dressed players in another room.

This followed an incident in Boston where several male athletes exposed themselves to a female reporter while she sat, at groin-eye level, struggling to interview them.

Although the circumstances are different, it's obviously an important issue. The incidents have received more publicity than the games the writers were covering.

That's surprising because it's a problem easily solved by a little understanding and a lot of bathrobes. That's how some athletes in other sports handle it and, for the most part, it works.

But I think there's an even better, more lasting solution.

It merely requires that all sportswriters, male or female, undress before entering the locker room.

This way, not only will the writers be treated equally, they'll be on even terms with the athletes they are interviewing.

You may not know it, but many post-game interviews you see on television are done with naked athletes.

Because the camera never falls below the waist, the viewer sees only a bare-chested behemoth apologizing for dropping the ball and making his coach look stupid. (I understand, however, the TV studios save some sneaky, below-the-belt out takes to show at their parties.)

It's difficult enough to admit you goofed in the first place. But try doing it stripped bare in front of a crowd wielding sharp objects.

Try to imagine Napoleon apologizing for Waterloo, or Chamberlain explaining Munich, nude. I might have even felt sorry for Nixon if he'd been forced to say ``I am not a crook'' while sitting in his bathtub.

If sportswriters were naked, they'd likely be too busy holding their note pads over their inadequacies to ask players about theirs.

It also might cause a sportswriter to question why some athletes have to be interviewed in the shower rooms anyway.

Actually, as a former sportswriter, I suspect many male writers feel as uncomfortable as some women in the men's locker room.

Maybe more so. There is one locker room situation that's more likely to affect men. I think I can illustrate it with a story about Willie Mays - and the time I tried to interview him.

It was paralyzing enough as a young sportswriter in San Francisco to meet the great ballplayer in person. I was also nervous and unsure about what to say to him, other than ``Wow!''

Actually, as he stepped out of the shower and stood dripping wet in front of me, that's just about what I did say.

I remember the Giants had won that day and Mays had made a soaring catch. I also remember the interview going something like this:

Me: Uh . . .

Willie: You probably want to know about the catch.

Me: Er . . .

Willie: Just one of those days, kid. You get lucky.

Me: Duh . . .

Willie: Who knows, tomorrow I might blow the same play.

Me: Ah . . .

Willie: Got to work myself out of this batting slump though.

Me: Um . . .

Willie: Need any more quotes kid?

Me: Ga . . .

Willie: Have a good day.

Me: Mff . . .

I stumbled out, left speechless by his greatness.

I also thought that if I had to meet naked people, it should be under more normal conditions.

I think that was the week I switched to politics.