Al-Anon: For Those Close To Alcoholics -- Relatives, Friends Learn A Hard Lesson: How To Stop Putting The Alcoholic First

Heads are bowed, hands are clasped. The circle is formed by 28 women, four men, spanning 50 years in age. They recite together:

``God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.''

Then, pumping their clasped hands up and down, they chant fervently: ``Keep coming back! It works!''

They have ended their meeting as they began, with ``the serenity prayer,'' which embodies the philosophy of Al-Anon, a fellowship for relatives and friends of alcoholics.

The ritual is repeated at 143 meetings every week in the Puget Sound area, from Issaquah to Lake City, Rainier Valley to Laurelhurst. And this West Seattle Al-Anon group, meeting Saturdays before breakfast at a neighborhood restaurant, is only one of more than 30,000 in 101 countries, including more than 3,500 Alateen groups for teen-agers.

Dedicated serenity prayers from all over the world have begun arriving here for tomorrow's opening of Al-Anon's second international convention; some 8,000 people are expected, from more than 30 countries. It's been overshadowed by the simultaneous and larger convention of Alcoholics Anonymous, but its potential audience is greater: If one in 10 people is an alcoholic, each alcoholic deeply affects at least four or five others: spouse, parent, child, close friend.

As with AA, members follow ``the 12 steps'' to recovery, beginning with, ``We admitted we were powerless over alcohol.'' But in their case it's not their own drinking they're powerless over; it's the disease of alcoholism and the alcoholic in their lives.

They learn to stop trying to take care of the alcoholic and start learning to take care of themselves, which in the end is best for both of them.

Their tools: pamphlets and a book with a different message for each day of the year - the ODAT, or One Day at a Time book, in Al-Anon - all written in simple, plain, tough language, and most of all, the fellowship - acceptance, support, friendship - of others who are or have been there.

Al-Anon shares AA's spiritual aspect: relying on a ``higher power'' as each individual interprets it.

Al-Anon grew out of AA but adopted a separate, formal identity in 1951 under the name Al-Anon Family Groups. Besides the 12 steps, it has ``Twelve Traditions,'' beginning with: ``Our common welfare should come first.'' For people used to putting the alcoholic first, that's a major shift.

At a recent Al-Anon meeting, the hour and a half passes quickly. newcomers get an immediate dose of optimism in a longtime member's introductory remarks: No matter how hopeless things seem, she says, Al-Anon can help you improve your life; you can find happiness, whether you choose to live with the alcoholic or not.

A young student says her alcoholic dad is visiting from out of town; she recalls how far she's come, with Al-Anon's help, in dealing with her parents: Once, she flushed their dope down the toilet. ``Now I don't feel the need to do that.'' Once, she goaded her dad with talk about Al-Anon. ``Now I just share my life.''

Once, she felt responsible and upset when her father was drunk; now she meets him for breakfast, when he's not likely to be drunk yet.

A woman in her 50s has lived with an alcoholic for 26 years and is learning the lessons Al-Anon teaches about ``detaching'' from the alcoholism: When this week she was tempted to ``jump in to care-take,'' she told herself, ``This is not your business, take care of yourself.''

Al-Anon is no guarantee that families will hold together; sometimes they do, but often they don't.

Consider the stories of Mary Alice B., 65, and Caryn J., 40.

After three years of attending Al-Anon, Mary Alice has decided to file for divorce, ending a 16-year relationship. She'd tried Al-Anon 10 years ago, but it didn't click. She immersed herself in church work and thought that would be enough.

Later, a confrontation with her husband, aided by professionals, didn't work. At the suggestion of a minister and counselor, she began Al-Anon again.

She was afraid of change; this was her third marriage. She felt guilty about hurting her mother-in-law.

But Al-Anon gave her ``the strength to make life without someone else. We say, we are the only ones responsible for our own happiness. I gained the confidence that I didn't need a man-woman relationship to have a happy life.''

She is selling her house and moving into a mobile home, is going to travel some and is retiring from her cashier job. ``I finally decided, I wanted a life for myself.''

Despite the divorce, she will continue with Al-Anon. As an Al-Anon volunteer, she feels useful. And she sees more self-discovery ahead. ``It's a way of life,'' she says.

It will be 10 years in November since Caryn J., a banker, joined Al-Anon. She was one of the lucky ones, she says. ``Very few marriages survive recovery,'' but she and her husband beat the odds.

Their recovery began after she sought a doctor's help for physical problems, including migraines and indigestion. The diagnosis: Her husband's drinking was making her ill.

Her husband sought treatment; she was directed to Al-Anon. She hated her first meeting - ``every single woman was in the process of divorce or separation. That was very scary to me.''

By the second meeting, she met someone whose marriage survived and eventually met others. But recovery was dicey.

Her husband lost his banking job. Once he wasn't anesthetized by booze, he became abrasive in the business setting. For one solid year, he spent his days staring out of a window. That year, she was going to Al-Anon meetings four and five days a week.

Gradually, she began to bloom. ``I developed a self-image and self-esteem; I wasn't so isolated; it gave me women friends I could trust - unconditional relationships; any time day or night, I could pick up the phone and they'd be there.

``Al-Anon told me I was OK, I didn't cause the alcoholism, I couldn't cure it or control it.'' It also, however, showed her she ``had character defects; I was a manipulator and a martyr. . . . That's what makes this a family disease.''

Though she has tapered off to a meeting a week, Al-Anon still is her life.

Why? ``I'm renewing my insurance policy. It ensures me I'm going to be OK. You can't keep serenity, hope, peace, if you don't give it away.''

Caryn and Mary Alice, and many from the West Seattle group, are expected to be among 400 local volunteers at the Al-Anon convention.

They may expect workshops, but mostly, they are excited about, as Mary Alice says, ``the sharing of the growth people have experienced.''

It's hard to describe the feeling of unity, says Caryn, ``holding hands with 8,000 people and saying the serenity prayer. Though each of our stories is different, what we've gone through is pretty much the same.''

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ABOUT AL-ANON

-- To find out more about Al-Anon, including where you can attend meetings, call 625-0000 any time. Registration for the Al-Anon gathering is at Exhibition Hall at Seattle Center; $55 gets you into AA and Al-Anon activities. Registration is not required to attend eight free fellowship meetings tonight at The Sheraton Hotel from 7:30 to 9.