Belushi Tells Own Story Of Sorrow, Healing

Comedian John Belushi died in 1982 at the age of 33, after four years on TV's ``Saturday Night Live,'' three Blues Brothers records with Dan Aykroyd, and seven films. His legend has not died. Reruns and videocassettes continue to bring him new fans. Even his tragic, drug-related death helped affirm his image with many fans - the image of a wild man who lived on the edge and out of control.

Some Belushi fans were put off when his widow, Judith Jacklin Belushi, made a short memorial film that aired on ``SNL'' in 1983. The film was unabashedly sentimental about John and about Judy's attempt to deal with his passing. She showed pictures of an unfamiliar John Belushi, a former football captain married to his high-school sweetheart.

Now she's published ``Samurai Widow'' (Carroll & Graf, $21.95). Like the film, it shows the human side of John that he seldom revealed in public. Mainly, however, the book tells Judy's story.

Judy compiled ``Samurai Widow'' from diaries she started writing shortly after John's death. ``When I began,'' she said in Seattle yesterday, ``my intention was to create something which would show people my journey through the pain, and the emotional growth, as well as a portrait of John and the issues surrounding his death. It is emotional; it is personal. Some of his fans are not interested in the emotional side, but I think the majority of his fans would be interested in the private side of his life, in his letters that I've included, etc.''

At the time of John's death in Los Angeles, Judy was at their home in New York. ``It was important to me to have my own career, but I always put my marriage first.'' Both Belushis had worked at National Lampoon before ``SNL'' began; Judy then co-wrote and designed the women's humor book ``Titters.'' Deadlines on that book's sequel kept Judy in New York when John left to prepare for what would have been his eighth film.

John, like many young people who came of age in the late 1960s, had had his share of experiences with drugs. He started and stopped using cocaine several times, but Judy insists that John's drug troubles were not as severe as claimed in Bob Woodward's biography ``Wired.'' ``If his drug use had been that heavy or that obvious, he'd have been dead a long time before.''

Cocaine and other drugs were widely and openly used within the entertainment business, and it was hard to stay straight. In her book, Judy discussessome still-unanswered questions about the specifics of John's death, but blames no one. ``Whatever else happened, it was really John's fault. The responsibility lies with him.

``Since then, drugs have become a very emotional subject. Today I hear people talking about wanting to shoot anyone who's ever been involved with marijuana. People forget that when you get angry, you're not rational. I was very angry then; I ought to know. What's really working (in reducing drug abuse) is more of a community spirit behind valuing clarity.''

Judy's own personal clarity took years to develop. ``I was devastated. When I started the diaries, my main focus was to survive and to document my survival.'' In an early passage, she describes going through old vacation photos: ``Unconsciously I raised my hand to stroke his cheek. The photo was cold and mean . . . I exploded with pain, rolling on the floor doubled up, crying from the pit of my stomach. How could John be dead?''

With the passage of time and the support of friends (including Aykroyd, Bill Murray and Penny Marshall), Judy began to get over the pain and resume her life. It was neither quick nor easy; she would later struggle with editors and publishers to let this part of her story be told at its full length. ``By the time I got my first draft completed (in 1986), my first editor had left the company. The new editors saw it as a John story. I said there's a lot of John in there, but it's also my story.''

``At one point I thought I was being selfish, that what I was writing was just for me. But when I started going to 12-step groups with people who've faced drugs and death, I understood how important it was to show the story of starting out in the depths and becoming stronger. A lot of people, because of this book's connection with John, may pick it up - people who wouldn't pick up a book that was just about being a widow.'' After the book was published, ``one of John's fans told me he felt it took him through the grieving process with his own feelings on John's death.''

``The book ends with the end of my mourning process. You have a time with a person and it ends, and then after a time, if you open up you can find love again.''

After her current publicity tour, Judy plans to marry TV writer-producer Victor Pisano. She's involved in the John Belushi Memorial Foundation, raising money for acting scholarships (a Blues Brothers suit was auctioned last week for $12,000). And she's been involved in packaging the videocassette release of John's ``Saturday Night Live'' appearances. In one such tape from 1978, after one of John's many death scenes, guest host Robert Klein remarks, ``Poor John. He had his whole life ahead of him. Or at least two or three more years anyway.''